As a New Year Approaches...

A year is kind of a long time. What have I accomplished this year? I've wasted the last few months. That's for sure. I started country dancing this year and have met a lot of people through that. I have gone on a lot of dates, but nothing but disappointment has come from those. Disappointment and undeserved kisses. Ahhh...oh well. It happens. I worked a lot. Went to school a lot, but not nearly as much as I ought to have. I got a couple of pairs of cowboy boots! I started playing volleyball on Tuesday nights again. I haven't lost any friends, that I know of, and made even more friends. I became less judgemental. I became more patient and understanding. I got out of shape and started working on getting back in shape. I decided to join the army reserves. I got my first speeding ticket (ouch $240)! I discovered a little bit more about who I am. I lost all feeling of self-worth and started gaining it back. I also got my big ol' belt buckle, which I'm quite proud of, even though I didn't earn it in a rodeo or anything. I started eating spinach more than fruit. I started drinking water a billion times more than I drink juice. I really did make a lot of new friends. Awesome people. I've had my heart surprisingly broken a little and realized that my heart was not quite mended from years before. I've become more career oriented than boy oriented. I've started checking out trucks. I've made big mistakes and learned from them. I've cried, but laughed a heck of a lot more! I've changed my major, unofficially, about 3 times. I've started watching out for myself more. I realized that there are some guys that I'll possibly never really get over. I took an art class and started getting my creativity back. I've realized how...unique...I am.

Army

Well, I'm working on joining the army reserves. I want to get an the civil affairs MOS. Then in the fall I'm planning on joining ROTC, after basic. Man. I this could be one of the best decisions of my life. It could also be one of the worst. I am starting to get cold feet. I'm pretty nervous. It's something that I've thought about doing for a long, long time, but there are reasons that I haven't yet. I'm not sure what those are. They probably deal with waking up early. I'm not extremely great at waking up early, but as soon as I'm up, I'm usually good. Of course I'm facing a bit of opposition in this decision. I have people telling me that I shouldn't join, that it's going to be really hard, that's it's going to ruin me. Well...dang. That sucks. Luckily I also have people telling me that I would do awesome and that I can handle it. I'd like to think I can. I've been through a ton of crap before. Basic scares me, I'm not going to lie. Basic terrifies me. Oh man, and I really need to get in shape. I wish I were in shape for the first couple of weeks of ROTC, because they say that it's pretty dang bad the first couple of weeks, but...stupid snow. Snow makes it hard to live life!! Shoot! I should just buck up and go run in the snow. I'll be doing worse things in the army, anyway, but a part of me says that maybe I should just wait until I get in the army to do miserable things! Trevor said that it's natural to get cold feet before you join, and then to go through the buyer's phase, which i'm guessing is kinda like "oh..dang...maybe I should't have done this" and then you go to basic and you're like 'what the heck did I do to myself', and then you get out of there and the rest is pretty good. That's what I'm expecting. I know I'll like it once I get in there. I want to be army strong: mentally, physically, emotionally. I feel as if I do have what it takes to get there. Furthermore, I'll be an officer, so it shouldn't be as bad, and I'll get paid more. The only thing about being an officer is that you don't get to go out and do the cool stuff. Well, maybe. I guess that depends on the officer and the mission. Anyway, I have to go now, but I'll update more later.

Grandpa

I saw your name in the stars last night
It was the middle of the night so I turned off the light.
I started thinking about all that we had
And all the times you made me feel glad.

The stars were shining so bright
And I was wishing with all of my might
That you could come back into my life
And teach me to live, not only survive.

But the days are long and the nights even longer
And I wonder if I'll ever satisfy the hunger
That comes from missing you every day
And so at times I close my eyes and pray.

Oh and the stars are shining so bright
And I know you're an angel so light
And I know you're watching o'er me
In the heavens, oh that great starry sea.

At times it's so hard I wanna give up
But I know you're sending me your love.
And I can feel your arms encircling me
As you gently rock me to sleep.

Oh the stars are shining so bright
And your love makes me feel alright.
I know that you still take care of me
And are watching from that great starry sea.

I think back to my younger years
When you held me and I told you my fears
Those days were so long ago
But the pain of you leaving still brings me woe.

Oh but the stars are shining so bright
And I know you're an angel so light
And I know that you're watching over me
In the heavens, oh that great starry sea.

I love you, oh Grandpa, I do
And I can't find a replacement for you.
You helped raise me as a young child
And taught me to be original, yet mild.

And the stars are shining so bright
And I'm still learning from your light.
As time goes on I'm finding more value
In all that you stood for and held to be true.

...

So...I haven't written in a while. I just read about how two of my friends just broke up with eachother. Sometimes life doesn't make sense. It's so crazy how life never takes you where you intend to go. If you have any plans, any sense of where you're headed, then you're wrong. If you actually do get where you want to go, then something is wrong. Terribly wrong. I often wonder what my life is going to bring. I suppose that is fallacious. Why wonder about something that will inevitably not be what you want it to be, or at least what you expect it to be. I've realized that as of late, I kind of expect that I will end up with Steve. If I don't, that it perfectly fine. I probably won't, but sometimes I just feel like I will. Which would actually be pretty awesome. He was my first love. I guess it's true that you cannot ever really let go of your first love. Our song just came on. Sometimes I feel like such a sentimental old lady. Wow. I suppose I have just finally realized how great he was. I would never have realized that if we had stayed together. I mean, we had our problems, but still...overall it was a good experience. He was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me and I keep hoping that I'll find someone who can take his place. Someone who treats me the way that he treated me and really love me, but I have determined that it is not fair for me to impose that expectation on anyone. It's been a year and a half. Isn't that insane? I need to either let go of him or...I don't know. Do something maybe. Write a letter. I have been yearning to spend time with his family, well, with his parents. Jeremy is really awkward to be around still. I love his parents dearly. His dad was like a dad to me and his mom was like a mom to me. And his grandparents...they really took on the role of mine, since i don't really have any anymore. Wow. And now I'm crying. I just wish we could all be back in Mt. Pleasant riding the four wheelers...him in front and me on the back, because I'm too scared to drive and I just want to hold onto him. There was a perfect sunset last time we went. It was beautiful. We went for an evening drive on the quads and then we parked and sat on a stone bridge, just staring out at the vast desert and the beautiful colors of the sunset. It was perfect. We were so happy. And we both knew that was all we needed and wanted for the rest of our lives. What happened? I knew we had to break up. He needed to go on his mission and wouldn't if we were still together. We were getting way too close physically and he felt too secure with me by his side. The only way for him to progress in life was for me to go. And I needed to experiment the world and the terrible realm of jerks that lay outside of Steven. So I let him go. It needed to be done, it was witnessed to me by the holy ghost and it felt good to let him go, because it was the right thing to do. But I miss him so much. It was actually pretty easy to break up. That's what happens when God is on your side. He gives you comfort. The hardest part though, was when I realized, when I saw how much I hurt him. Oh Goodness. That still kills me. I hated hurting him. And he didn't fully understand why i did what I did. It had to be a pretty clean break, otherwise we would get back together again. We had tried to break up before, but it never worked, because we both wanted to be together. For goodness sakes! We had dated for over a year, both of us in high school, without a single break up!! That in itself is huge. I think about him every day. Every day. I compare every guy to him, whether I want to or not. I shouldn't. But I'm still in love with him. he's amazing. What am I going to do? I don't know. Oh man. I really do want to write to him, to open the lines of our communication once more, but I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to distract him on his mission. He is where he needs to be. I know that and he knows that. Oh man. I don't want to hurt him again. He doesn't deserve to be hurt, ever, by anyone, especially by me. The last time we hung out, it didn't go so well...I was so stupid and immature. I was a jerk. I hope I have changed since then. It's a common theme in my life for me to realize that I've been a jerk, though. One day I hope I truly learn. I think I have changed in a lot of ways though. One thing that he said towards the end of our relationship haunts me to this day. He asked me if I loved him or if I just loved having a boyfriend. That has made me question everytime I like a guy. And it especially makes me question what I feel when I think of Steve. Oh. I just miss him. So much.

Boredom at work

So basically I have nothing to do at work. Imagine that. haha well, considering it happens nearly every day now, it should come as no surprise. Hmmm...I don't know exactly what I'm going to write about today, so I think I'll just start writing and then maybe the ideas will begin to flow. Hmmm...what are my fears? Well, it's kind of hard for me to say what I'm afraid of. I personally believe that fears are just in the mind. You can control your thoughts (theoretically), therefore you should be able to control your fears. The things that people are usually afraid of are really quite ridiculous. For example: bugs. I think the fear of bugs is quite unnecessary. I mean, they are little things that could possibly bite you, but it's just a momentary pain/itch, unless it's a poisonous bug which could then kill you. It's quite an unreasonable fear, yet for some strange reason, I do kind of fear bugs. Especially spiders. It doesn't matter what type of spider or how big it is. I still keep a steady eye on it until it is out of my sight. Don't ask me why this is. I do not know. I do not understand it. Bugs scare me!! And yet at times I am able to recognize how unreasonable this fear is and I am able to turn my head away, or kill the bug myself. Wouldn't it be easier if I could always remember?! Oh my. I do believe it would be. Life, however, I have determined, is not supposed to be easy. If it were we would never have to work. We would be able to eat all the sugary, high fat, greasy foods that we so desired and we would never have to go to the gym unless we wanted. But hey, I think life would be really dull that way. Oh man, so in Pride and Prejudice (the book) Mr. Bennett states that every girl likes to have a broken heart once in a while because it adds more to her life...or something. I wonder if that's true. I think it might be! Who doesn't like a little scandal?!! Seriously! I think it might be good to have a broken heart once in a while. It really helps you appreciate when you have something good. It's funny how we have all these different perceptions of ourselves throughout our lives. How our paradigms change so drastically. Goodness. Sometimes it's for the better and sometimes it's for the worse, but hey! Who's to say what's good? Oh man, I've lately been accused of not judging people. Yeah, I don't know about that. It's true that I really try to accept people as they are, but oddly enough, I think I accept more seemingly "questionable" people than "righteous" people. I think it's because the "questionable" people have fallen, but are doing their best to get up. They've struggled majorly in life, know the very depths of despair, and are climbing back up, steadily or not, into the light. Along their hike up, however, they inspire so many people. Whether they are conscious of the inspiration or not is an indepependent factor. I know so many people who are on that very climb. They truly know what it is to feel sorrow. They have undergone the many terrible things in life and they don't want anyone else to experience the pain and the rugged ascent after the fall. I think that's amazing. That's a true hero. That is true love, true charity. I personally do not have a grasp on this. I tend to just let people do what they want. I have no sense of danger. Perhaps I have lived in this bubble of Utah Valley for way too long. I greatly believe in agency. I believe that people should be allowed to do what they want. It's their choice and their consequence. If somebody starts smoking or whatever, then I'll tell them that they shouldn't and that it's bad for them, but beyond that...well, they know the ill-effects. They should be wise enough to make the decision and if they're not, nothing I do will stop them if they really want to do it. That's it. End of story. Of course, I will grieve with them. I will cry for them. I will cry with them. It will hurt me when they are hurt, but they have to live their lives. They must make their mistakes. Sometimes that is the only way that people learn. Unfortunately, sometimes they get in too deep. Actually, I think doing any of it is getting in too deep. It's such a risky business. Yes, and this is coming from somebody who does frequently take risks. I'm usually not afraid to try new things. haha I guess this brings me back to fears. I discovered yesterday, as I have discovered in the past, that I am now afraid of commitment. I have had the brilliant opportunity to meet a new fellow, and I like him. I really do. I even kissed him. That is kind of big for me. We spent some wonderful time together, and then I went home and started freaking out because I didn't know what I wanted. I reverted back to my talk with Nate when he told me that he had actually considered commitment with me. "Is she really worth it?" was a question he asked himself. I can understand that. There is a lot to sacrifice, especially when there are a lot of people that you could date. Commitment destroys chances, at least temporarily if not long-term. You're no longer playing the field. Playing the field is safe and easy. I mean,yes, once in a while you will fall for someone and then find out that they don't like you the same way, but you don't have a real relationship yet. While it does matter, it really doesn't matter. It's not until you both have grown together and sacrificed together that it really matters. If something goes wrong then and isn't worked out, that's when it really hurts. That's where the real pain is. That's when ice cream and chocolate and best friends don't really help. That's when nothing seems to be able to comfort. That's when you cry yourself to sleep and wake up crying too. That's when you start crying in the supermarket because a song comes on through the speakers that reminds you of him, or you see his favorite cereal. Or that's when you become completely void of all feelings. That's when you stop caring about anything and consequently hurt other people, not intentionally, but you still do it. Eventually you kind of get over it. Maybe not completely, but the pain does subside. You can start dating other people. You might have a little fun, but in the beginning the dates just feel awkward and painful. Anyway, I need to stop that depressing note!!! I swear I haven't completely gone through that!!! haha anyway, maybe that's what scares me about commitment!!

Friends

I feel nearly overwhelmed with the need to write. It's amazing how a simple sheet of lined paper can provide the perfect canvas to portray one's soul. It has been so long since I have truly written. I have dabbled here and there, but nothing extremely real or pertinent have I jotted down. I do not know precisely of what I should write. I have been contemplating it for nearly an hour. There merely semes to be too much swirling around in my head. Narrowing the options down is difficult, but finding time to write about all that I would desire to is even more difficult. First I beleive I will touch upon the worth of a soul. It is strenuous to comprehend how much influence just one person has on the world. I find it quite intriguing how people form relationships. I suppose it would be appropriate before I begin this discussion for me to admit that I have lost a high number of friends, mainly from moving. I have also been rejected a fair number of times. I fear pain. I disdain losing friends. Rejection truly does make me sad deep down, although I do quite well at hiding it and laughing it off. One might easily become convinced that life would be much easier if people did not form relationships. After all, relationships, friendships just lead to pain in the end. When I first moved to Bountiful Court I was convinced that I did not want anymore friends. I repeatedly told myself and others that. I did not want to experience the joy of a friendship, just to have that person leave, as they inevitably would, , and by leaving, they would also leave a hole in my heart. However, upon moving into BC, I promptly made a great number of friends and became even more social that I had hitherto been. It was a strange realization. My logic had been fallacious. I knew that it was, but to have proven myself wrong so quickly perturbed me slightly. What I didn't take into account was that a hole in the heart can only be patched by other people. I needed the good folk of Bountiful Court to boister me up and make me see my need. I have been so blessed in my life to meet phenomenal people at times in which I have really needed a good influence or example. I can honestly say that my life has been corrected, I have been set on the right path, a plethura of times by the special friends and people I have had the opportunity to become acquainted with throughout my life. I want to thank everyone who has ever made me smile or laugh, because it is you who has given me the ability to smile today. I want to thank everyone who has ever made me think--made me question the world, my beliefs, my self-being. You have led me to know who I am. Finally, I would like to thank all those who have pushed me to become better in any, or all ways. Those of your who have listened to me complain and then showed me how to get through my trials with a radiant smile on my face. Thank you for being you and for allowing yourself to be a beacon of light, a whirlwind of good, carrying me off onto a path of righteousness.

Untitled

The love of our Savior, pure and deep,
Brings such great joy--makes me sing and weep.
I sing of the joy, the blessings I've ben given.
I weep for the trials and pains that for me have been ridden.
I laugh and I cry in grand ecstasy.
And raise my voice high for the gospel decreed to me.
I'll share it, I will, with pure testimony.
And raise God's kingdom, be a beacon for all to see.

I wrote this at church :-) I know I should have been paying attention, but I was wicked tired.

To My Mother Dear

To my mother dear
Who once qualmed all my fear.
Who gave me food and drink
And acted as a shrink.
Who held me and caressed
And for that I've been blessed.

To my mother sweet
Who fed me bread and meat.
Who picked me up from school
When I was as sick as a fool.
Who attended my sports game
Even when it was lame.

To my mother kind
Who spanked me on my behind
When I was ill-behaved
Who corrected as I craved
And taught me simple truth
Even in my youth.

To my mother dear
Whose love brings me a tear.
Who loves me at all times
Despite my little crimes.
Who forgives me and lets go
And always lets her light show.

I am 66% Blonde

Copy and paste this in your notes section, then add or subtract x's to match you! Pass it on to all the blondes and potential blondes you know!

[x] Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were talking.

[x] Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were NOT talking

[] You have ran into a glass/screen door

[ ]You have jumped out of a moving vehicle.

[X] You have thought of something funny and laughed, then people gave you weird looks.

total=3

[] You have ran into a tree.

[x] It IS possible to lick your elbow

[ ] You just tried to lick your elbow

[x]You never knew that the Alphabet and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same rhythm.

[] You just tried to sing them.

[] You have tripped on your shoelace and fallen.

[X] You have choked on your own spit.

[ ]You have seen the the Matrix and still don’t get it.

[x] You didn’t notice that in the last question “the” was spelled twice

[X] You just looked at it

[]Your hair is blonde/dirty blonde.

[x]People have called you slow.

total so far=9

[] You have accidentally caught something on fire

[] You tried to drink out of a straw, but it went into your nose/eyes/cheek.

[X] You have caught yourself drooling.

[x] You’ve fallen asleep in class

[] If someone says “fart” you laugh.

[X] You just laughed.

total so far=12


[x] Sometimes you just stop thinking

[X] You tell a story and forget what you were talking about

[x ] People are often shaking their heads and walking away from you

[]You are often told to use your “inside voice”.

[x]You use your fingers to do simple math.

total so far= 16

[]You have eaten a bug.

[x]You are taking this test when you should be doing something important

[x] You have put your clothes on backwards or inside out, and didn’t realize it

[X] You’ve looked all over for something and realized it was in your hand or pocket

total so far=19

[ ] You sometimes post bulletins because you are scared that what they say will happen to you if you don’t do it even when you know it won’t happen to you.

[] You break a lot of things.

[ ] Your friends know not to use big words around you

[x ]You sometimes tilt your head when you are confused

[x ] You have fallen out of your chair before

[x] When you’re laying in bed, you try to find pictures in the texture of the ceiling

total: 22

times it by 3 then put " I am __% blonde" as the title

The Secret Thoughts of a Poet

The Secret Thoughts of a Poet

It's opaque and thin, with ink so deep
This pen that allows my soul to seep.
It colors the pages of a wire-bound journal--
Records my thoughts--both joyful and infernal.
It leads me to whisk you, from reality, away
Inside my head, for just a moment to stay.
You read my thoughts and try to analyze
And on the paper, the ink quickly dries.
You feel so much more than could possibly be read
The feelings surpass what I actually said.
Your imagination has now taken you o'er.
You are wondering now why you do feel more.
Could the words that I've written sparked this grand plight?
Your head is now spinning. You're left with no might.

Man hating!

Well, once again I am on the verge of giving up on the male species. I mean really!!! Do you know how frustrating it is to be a beautiful brunette of average size?! First of all, for some reason, men seem to want blondes. I do not understand this. At all. Not only do they want blondes, though, they want these tiny itsy bitsy little girls. It is absolutely ridiculous! I am not blonde, nor am I tiny! Shoot! I am the opposite of tiny! I can pick most men up!! haha Well, It's not that I'm fat, I just am a little bigger. One of the strangest things about men is that they really don't care about beauty. I'm not trying to say that I'm the most beautiful person in the world, but I don't think that I'm bad looking. However, being the prideful, terrible person that I am, I often judge other people's looks--especially the little blonde bimbos that boys choose. Do you realize how often they are not even pretty? They're just chosen because they are a little...racy, to put it nicely, short, and blonde?! It's infuriating! However, I suppose those are not the type of men that I want, so I really should probably be thankful that I am not one of those girls. What kind of life must they have? Always being hit on by the hott men that only care about those things? Shoot. I guess I'd rather stick with the typically strange fellows that flock me. I mean, they have a sense of style!! lol They know what a woman is! haha Anyway...so I realized last night that Cameron is not a homie, he's just a friend, which really does make me sad. As Albert told me, "A homie is someone you can call up any time and be like 'hey man, let's go kick it!' and the homie will be like 'yeah! right on!' but a friend is someone you call up and say 'hey man, let's go kick it!' and they'll be like 'well, i dunno...let me think about that for a while.'" Obviously I'm a homie. However, he is not. Which sucks. Our homie-age is just one-sided. Dude. Seriously, I deserve better friends then him. I mean, I could be blowing this out of proportion, but then again--I can't even come up with a defense for him. I mean, at least he's honest when he blows me off, though. He keeps saying that he wants to go country dancing, but he never comes, and now there are four days per week that he could choose from. The stupid thing is, that he could easily go on Saturday or Tuesday, but golly...he just doesn't. He said he's nervous...whatev. Stupid. On a grander note, though...I get to go country dancing tonight, and I went last night!! It's so much fun! It's probably one of my favorite things to do...even though some boys are stupid. You know, though, I just need a real man who knows what he wants in life. A fellow like that would appreciate me. haha I sound so retarded!! Oh well, I'm just venting all that most women feel!! I guess one thing that does bug me is that I'm just like them!! The guys, that is. I have a certain type that I like...well, actually I like many types, but I tend to go after only the guys that I think are cute, which is pretty sad, since I'm totally discriminating! How ridiculous is that?!! I have no room to talk! Shoot! Man, so there's this absolutely adorable guy who goes to the country dances, and he's so adorable!! He's a perfect gentleman, with an awesome personality...the only problem is he's tiny! Not only does he look really young for his age, but he's just plain small!! If he were a bigger fellow I would totally go for him...but he's not and so I don't. He probably gets that all the time, too. Poor guy. I mean, you just can't force someone to be different than their genetics will allow them. Anyway, I just proctored, so now I'm gonna go! But I wrote some poems and song lyrics while I was proctoring, it's possible that I'll post them. Peace.

Amanda Needs...

So for this one, you google search " needs" and then just write down the first 10. If it really does apply to you, then put an asterisk by it!

1.) Amanda needs to pee
2.) Amanda needs you to map yourself
3.) Amanda needs your prayers. *
4.) Amanda needs to get help busting skulls, not friends.
5.) Amanda needs a wise friend to tell her that this too, shall pass.
6.) Amanda needs a mom in her corner with lots of time and attention to give to her.
7.) Amanda needs a serious love interest*
8.) Amanda needs to read Barbara Bush's speech to Wellesley graduates
9.) Amanda needs more ink
10.) Amanda needs to start taking risks

Folly

Wow. If I were back in the Greek times of Homer, I would say that Folly has just left me and the Prayers have come around. I don't know why I act so stupidly sometimes! My até just seems to continually come around and around. Yeah, I've been reading the Iliad lately. So I talked to army Andy today, and other Andy, too. I have decided that I should just stay away from all Andys. Well, I'm stupid, but not really. Whenever I really stand up for myself and say what I'm actually feeling, I consider myself stupid. How ridiculous and hypocritical is that? In all seriousness, though. Sometimes I just wish I were someone else. I mean, right now I'm just laying in self-pity. Isn't that ridiculous? However, I suppose that's bound to happen when you don't like your own personality. Yeah, anyway, I don't know what I want in my life. But I have to get up in less that 5 hours, which really sucks. Why do I have such a good visiting teaching companion? Why are my roomies so dang fun? I may never know the answers to these questions. Anyway though, what I really wanted to get out, is that I'm stupid when I'm tired. Well, even more so than when I'm awake, anyway. Yeah, I'll give a real update later. I miss Steve.

Procrastination, glottonous beings, icebergs

I suppose I have mastered one grand skill here at BYU: procrastination. Yes, I did learn this skill earlier on in life; however, I am nearly certain that I have not perfected it nearly as well as I have here. I have managed to put nearly every assignment off so much that either I end up not doing it, or it is absolutely so late that I feel absolutely overwhelmed. Indeed, writing this blog is putting off my homework. The absolutely ridiculous part of this whole ferocious cycle is, though, that I even work out these amazing schedules going by the half-hour of exactly what I will be accomplishing, but then I get onto facebook, or in this case blogspot, and I waste all of my time, accomplishing nothing. What a ridiculous way to live life! I know that I need to change, I even change in theory, yet in all practicality my life remains the same! Well, furthermore, I have this great desire to spend all of my time with friends. I have become a social glutton!! Is this how people will know me? As a glutton?! Well, there are definitely worst things to be gluttonous about. Perhaps a social glutton is better than someone who is gluttonous about food, although I probably am that too. Can I bridle my passions? Is this one of my trials--monitoring time, friends, and food? Indeed, I believe it is! I sincerely believe that I struggle with moderations. I tend to either want none or all! Is that the way most people are? I don't understand normal. Everybody strives to be "normal." I've heard a billion times that there is no such thing as normal. However, how do people know what normal is? People do not, in general, go around parading what they typically do, how they typically feel, and/or what they normally think. I believe that is a great misfortune. Perhaps we all suffer from great feelings of inadequacy, but nobody says anything, and because of that, everybody considers themselves abnormal. How unfortunate would that be! It always amazes me how alike people really are. Often it takes merely one conversation for people to find out their common interests and feelings, granted that would be one great conversation in which the people actually would have to open up and share. I have found that people rarely share their wealth of knowledge with others. I find this gravely misfortunate, as well. So much time and pain could be saved if people would open up and share what they have learned and gone through. Although I am tired of this metaphor, I'll use it anyway: People are like icebergs. One can only see the very top of a person, but that person always has so much more down beneath, that one can only imagine. One can look at the behaviors, mannerisms, clothes, appearance of a person, but could never tell why those behaviors, mannerisms, clothes, and appearance are evident in that person. Only as you delve deeper into the ocean, the soul, of a person, can you truly see what is going on underneath the facade. However, I believe that the iceberg runs down so deep, that it is impossible to get to the very bottom of it. With practice one can dive down deeper and deeper, but never can a diver reach the bottom. Why are people as icebergs? Is it a form of self-preservation? A way to not get hurt? Is a conscious choice, or some unconcious hiding? I suppose it is a little of both. People hide their deepest desires to shield them from the pain of peers, or of failure. Somehow, societal norms have also worked their way into what people will admit to, or talk about. I tend to blow these norms. I believe that many societal norms governing what we may comfortable talk about merely impede the progress of human beings. Not all norms do, but some may. For example, I do not care to hear about sex, homosexuality, or cannibalism. It is against societal norms to talk about those subjects, well, most of our taboos are gone, but these are still taboos in my society, and speaking of these subjects in most contexts will typically not aid my progression. However, when a social norm prevents people from sharing growth-promoting experiences, I believe that the social norm should be done away with. The strange thing about these norms, though, is that they're not pronounced. It just feels strange if somebody breaks one. Therefore, I could go up to someone and tell them all about myself--my life story, what has made me who I am today--and then that person could tell me all about why they are the way they are, however, that is very unlikely to occur, because it would feel very strange to the other person to have someone bear their soul. I believe a conversation like that would greatly improve both of the participants' paradigm on life. However, the part that I lament the greatest about a lack of conversations like this, is the impact that it has on psychology and philosophy. I have always been interested in what people are thinking and why. Why do people act the way they do? What do their behaviors mean? Is there a "normal" or not? How can we know? My point is that I will not receive answers to these questions until people really start opening up. Perhaps that is why I am typically so open. I feel as if I can learn more about these subjects if I learn more about other people. If I open myself up and share, then other people tend to open up themselves, and share what is hidden below the surface. By learning about other people, perhaps I can also learn more about myself. It is interesting to me how that works out. You go out, trying to find the answers to your questions, trying to figure out how the world works around you, and by finding the answers to these complex questions, you also discover more about yourself. Anyway, I suppose I should actually start on my homework tonight, so nos vemos!

A Good Conversation

I don't feel like going to sleep tonight. I don't know why. Do I fear what the morrow brings? Well, I really need to get caught up in my studies. I already feel as though I am quite behind, which is ridiculous, as it's only first week of school! I went to the library and studied for a bit tonight, but then I saw David White and started talking to him. It was admittedly one of the best conversations I've had in a while. We actually talked about substantial stuff. I haven't had a conversation in which I've actually had to think, and in which I have been able to express some of my philosophies of life and questions. It's probably been even longer since I've talked to somebody who actually thinks about that stuff, or I suppose, admits to thinking deeply about life. It was a grand experience. I really want to have more conversations like it, because it really expanded my paradigm. I want to think more about, well, everything! What do I believe in, and why? What are my theories? How do I treat things? I also need to concentrate more on school. I already have a lot of concentration on it, however, I could do so much better. I always say that I will do better, but very rarely do I actually act upon my "goals." I suppose it's just nice to finally talk to somebody who knows what they want, and is actually working hard to achieve it. It inspires me. What do I want? Well, I suppose that is an excellent question. I want to get in shape. I want to get A's in all of my classes. I want to understand the material that I am taught, not just get the grade, but also obtain that knowledge. I want to learn at least one more language. I love language. I believe it is so much fun! I am so exuberated to get my linguistics book! Man, and I really need to get my Spanish book as well. I hope that they come very rapidly. Very soon. As is typical, I really don't know what I want on the love side. I need to just concentrate on my studies and not worry about boys, but something inside me really wants to concentrate on boys, as well...not boys, but men! haha Anyway, I suppose that's just the nature of being a girl. I wonder if I'm superficial. I suppose a lot of people are. This probably goes along with the mask theme. You may refer back to my mask poem. Anyway, I really should be going to sleep very soon. I heard an awesome Portuguese saying tonight "Duerma con los angeles...pero no los toquen." I wonder why you're not supposed to touch them. Superfixe actually told me the saying, but he didn't know why you can't touch them. I wonder what my dialect is like. Do I have a dialect...well, of course I do! But how is it different than other peoples'? We talked a little about dialects today in linguistics. It's a fascinating subject. Anywho, I suppose I'll update ya'll later...although I'll probably be the only one to read this, which probably is good!