Boredom at work

So basically I have nothing to do at work. Imagine that. haha well, considering it happens nearly every day now, it should come as no surprise. Hmmm...I don't know exactly what I'm going to write about today, so I think I'll just start writing and then maybe the ideas will begin to flow. Hmmm...what are my fears? Well, it's kind of hard for me to say what I'm afraid of. I personally believe that fears are just in the mind. You can control your thoughts (theoretically), therefore you should be able to control your fears. The things that people are usually afraid of are really quite ridiculous. For example: bugs. I think the fear of bugs is quite unnecessary. I mean, they are little things that could possibly bite you, but it's just a momentary pain/itch, unless it's a poisonous bug which could then kill you. It's quite an unreasonable fear, yet for some strange reason, I do kind of fear bugs. Especially spiders. It doesn't matter what type of spider or how big it is. I still keep a steady eye on it until it is out of my sight. Don't ask me why this is. I do not know. I do not understand it. Bugs scare me!! And yet at times I am able to recognize how unreasonable this fear is and I am able to turn my head away, or kill the bug myself. Wouldn't it be easier if I could always remember?! Oh my. I do believe it would be. Life, however, I have determined, is not supposed to be easy. If it were we would never have to work. We would be able to eat all the sugary, high fat, greasy foods that we so desired and we would never have to go to the gym unless we wanted. But hey, I think life would be really dull that way. Oh man, so in Pride and Prejudice (the book) Mr. Bennett states that every girl likes to have a broken heart once in a while because it adds more to her life...or something. I wonder if that's true. I think it might be! Who doesn't like a little scandal?!! Seriously! I think it might be good to have a broken heart once in a while. It really helps you appreciate when you have something good. It's funny how we have all these different perceptions of ourselves throughout our lives. How our paradigms change so drastically. Goodness. Sometimes it's for the better and sometimes it's for the worse, but hey! Who's to say what's good? Oh man, I've lately been accused of not judging people. Yeah, I don't know about that. It's true that I really try to accept people as they are, but oddly enough, I think I accept more seemingly "questionable" people than "righteous" people. I think it's because the "questionable" people have fallen, but are doing their best to get up. They've struggled majorly in life, know the very depths of despair, and are climbing back up, steadily or not, into the light. Along their hike up, however, they inspire so many people. Whether they are conscious of the inspiration or not is an indepependent factor. I know so many people who are on that very climb. They truly know what it is to feel sorrow. They have undergone the many terrible things in life and they don't want anyone else to experience the pain and the rugged ascent after the fall. I think that's amazing. That's a true hero. That is true love, true charity. I personally do not have a grasp on this. I tend to just let people do what they want. I have no sense of danger. Perhaps I have lived in this bubble of Utah Valley for way too long. I greatly believe in agency. I believe that people should be allowed to do what they want. It's their choice and their consequence. If somebody starts smoking or whatever, then I'll tell them that they shouldn't and that it's bad for them, but beyond that...well, they know the ill-effects. They should be wise enough to make the decision and if they're not, nothing I do will stop them if they really want to do it. That's it. End of story. Of course, I will grieve with them. I will cry for them. I will cry with them. It will hurt me when they are hurt, but they have to live their lives. They must make their mistakes. Sometimes that is the only way that people learn. Unfortunately, sometimes they get in too deep. Actually, I think doing any of it is getting in too deep. It's such a risky business. Yes, and this is coming from somebody who does frequently take risks. I'm usually not afraid to try new things. haha I guess this brings me back to fears. I discovered yesterday, as I have discovered in the past, that I am now afraid of commitment. I have had the brilliant opportunity to meet a new fellow, and I like him. I really do. I even kissed him. That is kind of big for me. We spent some wonderful time together, and then I went home and started freaking out because I didn't know what I wanted. I reverted back to my talk with Nate when he told me that he had actually considered commitment with me. "Is she really worth it?" was a question he asked himself. I can understand that. There is a lot to sacrifice, especially when there are a lot of people that you could date. Commitment destroys chances, at least temporarily if not long-term. You're no longer playing the field. Playing the field is safe and easy. I mean,yes, once in a while you will fall for someone and then find out that they don't like you the same way, but you don't have a real relationship yet. While it does matter, it really doesn't matter. It's not until you both have grown together and sacrificed together that it really matters. If something goes wrong then and isn't worked out, that's when it really hurts. That's where the real pain is. That's when ice cream and chocolate and best friends don't really help. That's when nothing seems to be able to comfort. That's when you cry yourself to sleep and wake up crying too. That's when you start crying in the supermarket because a song comes on through the speakers that reminds you of him, or you see his favorite cereal. Or that's when you become completely void of all feelings. That's when you stop caring about anything and consequently hurt other people, not intentionally, but you still do it. Eventually you kind of get over it. Maybe not completely, but the pain does subside. You can start dating other people. You might have a little fun, but in the beginning the dates just feel awkward and painful. Anyway, I need to stop that depressing note!!! I swear I haven't completely gone through that!!! haha anyway, maybe that's what scares me about commitment!!