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So...I haven't written in a while. I just read about how two of my friends just broke up with eachother. Sometimes life doesn't make sense. It's so crazy how life never takes you where you intend to go. If you have any plans, any sense of where you're headed, then you're wrong. If you actually do get where you want to go, then something is wrong. Terribly wrong. I often wonder what my life is going to bring. I suppose that is fallacious. Why wonder about something that will inevitably not be what you want it to be, or at least what you expect it to be. I've realized that as of late, I kind of expect that I will end up with Steve. If I don't, that it perfectly fine. I probably won't, but sometimes I just feel like I will. Which would actually be pretty awesome. He was my first love. I guess it's true that you cannot ever really let go of your first love. Our song just came on. Sometimes I feel like such a sentimental old lady. Wow. I suppose I have just finally realized how great he was. I would never have realized that if we had stayed together. I mean, we had our problems, but still...overall it was a good experience. He was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me and I keep hoping that I'll find someone who can take his place. Someone who treats me the way that he treated me and really love me, but I have determined that it is not fair for me to impose that expectation on anyone. It's been a year and a half. Isn't that insane? I need to either let go of him or...I don't know. Do something maybe. Write a letter. I have been yearning to spend time with his family, well, with his parents. Jeremy is really awkward to be around still. I love his parents dearly. His dad was like a dad to me and his mom was like a mom to me. And his grandparents...they really took on the role of mine, since i don't really have any anymore. Wow. And now I'm crying. I just wish we could all be back in Mt. Pleasant riding the four wheelers...him in front and me on the back, because I'm too scared to drive and I just want to hold onto him. There was a perfect sunset last time we went. It was beautiful. We went for an evening drive on the quads and then we parked and sat on a stone bridge, just staring out at the vast desert and the beautiful colors of the sunset. It was perfect. We were so happy. And we both knew that was all we needed and wanted for the rest of our lives. What happened? I knew we had to break up. He needed to go on his mission and wouldn't if we were still together. We were getting way too close physically and he felt too secure with me by his side. The only way for him to progress in life was for me to go. And I needed to experiment the world and the terrible realm of jerks that lay outside of Steven. So I let him go. It needed to be done, it was witnessed to me by the holy ghost and it felt good to let him go, because it was the right thing to do. But I miss him so much. It was actually pretty easy to break up. That's what happens when God is on your side. He gives you comfort. The hardest part though, was when I realized, when I saw how much I hurt him. Oh Goodness. That still kills me. I hated hurting him. And he didn't fully understand why i did what I did. It had to be a pretty clean break, otherwise we would get back together again. We had tried to break up before, but it never worked, because we both wanted to be together. For goodness sakes! We had dated for over a year, both of us in high school, without a single break up!! That in itself is huge. I think about him every day. Every day. I compare every guy to him, whether I want to or not. I shouldn't. But I'm still in love with him. he's amazing. What am I going to do? I don't know. Oh man. I really do want to write to him, to open the lines of our communication once more, but I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to distract him on his mission. He is where he needs to be. I know that and he knows that. Oh man. I don't want to hurt him again. He doesn't deserve to be hurt, ever, by anyone, especially by me. The last time we hung out, it didn't go so well...I was so stupid and immature. I was a jerk. I hope I have changed since then. It's a common theme in my life for me to realize that I've been a jerk, though. One day I hope I truly learn. I think I have changed in a lot of ways though. One thing that he said towards the end of our relationship haunts me to this day. He asked me if I loved him or if I just loved having a boyfriend. That has made me question everytime I like a guy. And it especially makes me question what I feel when I think of Steve. Oh. I just miss him. So much.