Confusion

I don't exactly understand RMs. I mean really, why would somebody want to get married when they're financially unstable, and have not even finished a chunk of college? It makes no sense. Well, ok, I do understand why someone would want to get married, I mean, I want to get married, but I'm not dumb enough to put everything else aside so that I can get married, that's just plain foolish. It's even more foolish to not date someone because they're not ready to get married. You don't even know if it's going to work with that person! Just give them a chance. Don't be a bonehead. What would make someone think that they could find someone better--someone who they got along with better that would marry them right off? Well, I guess in Utah it's possible, especially at the Y...even though I haven't seen a ton of evidence pointing to that possibility. I mean, I've barely been on any dates. Maybe I'm just not dateable or something. I don't know. It's ridiculous. But seriously guys, just give me a chance! I'm not terrible. I'm actually pretty cool. Blah, whatev. No one should be reading this anyway. I got a questionnaire thing that I have to fill out for the Study Abroad. I'm a little nervous, but I love Spanish. I am so excited to be immersed in it. You know what, I deserve better than him. I deserve someone that will support me and be excited for me and somebody that I can hold a continous conversation with, and someone that will, when he's around me, just pay attention to me. With exceptions. I mean, if he's working or trying to do something, I understand, but when I talk, I expect immediate feedback...haha I'm so high maintenance...but not really. If I know I'm his and he's mine, that I'm actually medium on the maintenance scale. I learned that from Steve..not that I was, but that I could be and should be. That was probably one of the greatest things I learned about that relationship--how to give him space. However, I'm typically super impatient, which means that I will call the guy and ask him on a date, or whatever. I realized last night that I initiated everything with Steve, and that I was initiating everything with Andy, too. bummer. Maybe I'll find a guy that will initiate things with me. haha, I should! Anyway, I gotta go...hasta luego!

Fall Leaves

The other night I was just chillin' outside writing in my journal and I decided to write another poem.

I watch in wonder as the leaves fall down all around me--
The trees have changed--no leaf remains the same.
If I were a leaf what color would I be?
Would I be green and young, or brown and old?
Would I be a beautiful magenta, or a shade of gold?
The leaves keep falling--spiralling down.
The colors create a rainbow on the ground.
Why should I be a leaf? Why not be a tree?
Why should I drop, why should I fall, why shouldn't I remain the same?
I could stand like a tree--forever strong and true,
Constant and firm, always in Heavens view.
But if I were a tree, what would be my leaf?
What do I drop? What do I let fall?
What about me changes, becomes beautiful, then dies?
Perhaps they don't fall because they're dead.
Perhaps they fall because it's their time, nothing more.
Perhaps they sacrifice for the tree to make room for new leaves.
Year after year, new leaves grow. They stay with the tree, then go.
Does the tree miss them, those leaves of yesteryear?
I think so. But the tree is wise. He knows the reason.
He doesn't go against nature, but continues the flow.
So year after year this cycle repeats.
Why be a leaf? Why be a tree? I think I am both.