The Valley

The river flows through, fresh and young,
And for the great trees takes care,
With their leaves freshly hung.
The scene is so serene, calmness and serenity everywhere
The valley is home to peace--indeed it is it's lair.

Yet with one stroke of terrible luck
Man's face is brought to view.
He unloads his great big diesel truck
And the peacefulness he begins to skew,
Then every natural color turns a strange, new hue.

He chops down trees and tramples the grass
On the river he builds a dam.
He gives the serenity so much sass
That it retreats, as timid as a lamb.
The river itself begins to cram.

The birds shriek out in great distress
As they witness the dreadful sight.
The bile and tears they try to suppress
With their eyes open wide in fright.
Then they are shot in their frenetic midflight.

That valley no longer possesses peace.
It was all taken by one man.
The serenity bears a massive crease
More unfoldable than a fan.
All because of one man.

Moving and life

Well, I've been doing a lot of moving lately. I helped the Batty's move out last week. I am going to miss them dearly; they are such amazing people. This week I helped my family move. I left my stuff over at the old house, which has caused a lot of chaos. I move to Heritage on Wednesday--in 3 days. I plan on finishing packing tomorrow, which will leave Tuesday open for me to go shopping, or whatever I need to do. Then I'll be gone. I had a job interview with building security at BYU today. I don't think it went very well, and I don't believe I got the job, but all I can do is wait to find out. I hope I did. I'm so stressed right now. It wouldn't have been nearly as bad if my parents hadn't moved the week before I was going to. Shoot. I still need to finish Learning in the Light of Faith, as well. Sometimes it feels like life is overwhelmingly stressful. I wonder what heaven is like. Do we face stresses? I bet we do. I suppose we'll never get away from them. I feel like I've wasted my life thus far. I haven't accomplished anything major. I feel so old, yet I am so young. I look at the people my age who have started their own business, or already have at least their associates degree, and I wonder what I have done. Have I contributed to the world? I know that I have been a decent friend to many people, but sometimes it just feels like that is not enough. Sometimes I want to have my own special moment. Oh, that reminds me of a poem I wrote for creative writing last year:

A Moment In Time


The crowds are bustling
In the halls today.
I wish I could be one of them,
Smiling on my way.
I try for a moment
Open my mouth,
Show some teeth,
But nobody notices.
I want to cry and weep.
I’ll just try saying “Hi!”
I think to myself.
I say “Hi” to a few
Nobody notices

I must be invisible.
I shrink from the crowd,
Duck into my class.
Science!
Somewhere I can excel at last!
I give myself a pep talk;
Tell myself I am smart,
But in come the
Jocks, nerds, preps,
Everyone I’m not.

I open my mouth,
But I’m too afraid.
After all, the end to pleasure
Is only pain.
The teacher asks a question.
I could’ve gotten it right
If only he hadn’t called
On Lucy Skidmore instead.
I tell myself “next time”
But I never got called.
I leave from that class
Feeling worse than before.

Why must I be here?
I ask, I implore.
I only want to fit in.
Have that moment in time
When anyone notices
That I’m truly sublime.

Sometimes it would be nice to really be noticed. I mean, I'm completely average. I'm not the best student, yet I'm not the worst. I'm not the best looking. I have no distinguishing characteristics. I hate interviews. I feel like they always bring that out about me. I know that Rachel thinks I'm amazing, and so does Will. Yet sometimes it doesn't help to know that you're close friends think you're amazing. Sometimes you want the most distant people from you to think you're amazing. Well, I know this is pretty self-pitying. "Sometimes when I'm feeling bad, I just don't want to feel better!!" ugh. Anyway, I do want to feel better, so I will be more positive...I think. Man, there's an annoying fly that keeps pestering me!!

Heart-wrenching drama

So, basically, I think I made a big mistake of falling for a friend. Unfortunately, it was towards the beginning of the friendship, and I knew that he was quite unavailable. I knew he wasn't ready for a relationship. I didn't try to force one or anything. However, it's pretty easy to tell when I like someone. Well, he let me know that he didn't want a relationship, because he was in love with someone else. I understood that. I had always been torn between my feelings for him, because I really did have a crush on him, but I didn't want to, because our friendship was more important to me. Therefore, I decided that I really did not want to give that frienship up, no matter what happened. Unfortunately, life doesn't always go as planned. I would try to text him to find out when he could/wanted to hang out, and he would respond with something like "idk". I knew something was up, and it really hurt, because I knew that we were losing our friendship, which was all that really ever mattered to me. Because of that, I sent him a message saying that I was tired of being the one to initialize texts and hang outs, and that it was now up to him. I said it pretty dramatically, but that's because I was tired and hurt, and just felt like crying. He texted me later in the day saying that he had been ignoring me, because he was afraid of hurting me. Little did he realize that by protecting me, he was doing worse. I felt pretty glad that I hadn't been blowing the whole thing out of proportion, because quite frankly, I can be quite an attention-craving-drama-queen! It felt so good to be talking to him, like old times! Once again I thought we were cool. After a few days, I decided to call him to see when he could hang out before he left. He sounded pretty hesitant, but finally replied Tuesday. I then tried talking to him for a while, but he was really distracted-sounding, and I kinda felt like he really didn't feel like talking. A few hours later, though, he texted me asking me "what if I had a girlfriend?" I was kinda stunned by that, but told him that I would be happy for him, and that he should invite her to our next hang out. I mainly was happy for him. I mean, you know, he kinda lied to me about being completely smitten with someone else still, and that pretty much told me that I'm not good enough...another good ol' blow to my self-esteem. Then he said that he did, but he didn't, and that it was complicated. dude. How complicated could it be?! He then said that I could call her if I wanted, and gave me her phone number!!! Ok, seriously, why would I want to call her?!! I don't even know her!!! That's when I started getting a bit mad...it's also when I remembered that I told my cousin Dave that I would play ultimate frisbee with him and his friends on Tuesday night. I think I handled that blow pretty well, though. That is, until the next day, when I had heard enough from my friend telling me to just tell him to stop flattering himself by thinking that I like him. So I sent him a text saying: "stop flattering yourself! I don't even like you like that!" It was pretty thrilling, I must admit!!! However, I felt so super bad. He replied with a "what?". I told him that it seemed like he thought I liked him, but i didn't. He then replied with a "whatever". Goodness, I wish I knew the tone of that. After I got that, I realized that our friendship was probably over. Who would want to be friends with me? Golly, I can be such a jerk. My friend told me that he had done worse things to me, but still...that's no way to act. Just because he made me cry for a week, whenever I thought about it...you know, it's not important. I really should stop putting myself ahead of others. I'm so self-centered sometimes. Man, I'm good until I start thinking about it. Then I just sigh a sometimes not-so-silent-sigh. It just sucks that I ruined that friendship, but it was fun while it lasted. I don't think there's anyway that I can make up for it. I mean, he would probably be completely awkward if we hung out again. I would be ok, but I don't think he would. He probably doesn't even care. Why should he, though? I mean, what kind of friend was I being? A jerkish one.