Drama

It seems the only drama that I have in my life is self-imposed. I alone feel the drama coming in, and therefore, I alone can stop it. However, it unfortunately does not affect only me. It affects my relationships with other people. Currently, I feel that I have an inferiority complex surrounding my best friend. I wish I didn't feel this way. It's so easy for me to say that emotions are all mental and that if you want to feel a certain way, than you can feel it. Acting upon that belief, however, is completely different. I am generally an easy going person. I have often been described as being "chill". Oh shoot. If only the people who say that about me only knew...I have an obsessive personality. And I am very prone to jealousy. When I find something new that interests me, I try to find out as much about it as possible. Unfortunately, what really interests me is usually people. You may know when I find you interesting if you can tell me some strange little detail about yourself, and I will remember it a week later. Or if I try to text you to hang out a lot. I'm not saying that this is necessarily bad. I'm a great listener though, and I will generally remember everything you say about yourself. However, I don't know how I got started on this topic. I guess I am the type of person, where if something is bothering me, instead of just venting on the spot, I will start with a random topic, like socks, and then work my way into telling you what is truly bothering me. It's just so difficult to let it all out without first getting comfortable. It's like a bean bag chair. You can just plop down in one and it can be comfortable, but it's best to move around in it a bit until it contours to your curves. So, basically I feel like people don't like me that much. I mean, I have proof that they do like me, but sometimes it seems like they like other people a lot better than they like me. It's only natural though. I have some people that I greatly prefer over other people. I just never wanted to be one of the people that someone would ditch to hang out with somebody else. Somebody cooler. I know I'm just being retarded and it's probably because I'm super sleep deprived. Yet it hurts. To make matters worse, I'm ignoring purposefully the people that I truly do care about, because I just want to lounge around in my own bed of self pity. They have nothing to do with the way that I'm feeling. Only I do. Certainly something sparked it, and I know exactly what, but I don't know that I want to share. It just involves someone that I kind of have a crush on, but not entirely. I don't know. I'm falling asleep as I write this. It feels good to get this out. I will call both of them tomorrow. I am way too tired to talk now, and I'm afraid that I would say something quite rude, because I get cranky when I am tired and I can tell you right now, that I am very cranky already. Blah, it's a good thing this is the only drama that I have, because it's clearing up right now, which is amazing. Now I just feel bad for ignoring my friends. They deserve better friendship from me. However, it may have been the best thing to do, since I very easily could have, and probably would have, said something to offend/hurt them. And they are phenomenal people.