Folly

Wow. If I were back in the Greek times of Homer, I would say that Folly has just left me and the Prayers have come around. I don't know why I act so stupidly sometimes! My até just seems to continually come around and around. Yeah, I've been reading the Iliad lately. So I talked to army Andy today, and other Andy, too. I have decided that I should just stay away from all Andys. Well, I'm stupid, but not really. Whenever I really stand up for myself and say what I'm actually feeling, I consider myself stupid. How ridiculous and hypocritical is that? In all seriousness, though. Sometimes I just wish I were someone else. I mean, right now I'm just laying in self-pity. Isn't that ridiculous? However, I suppose that's bound to happen when you don't like your own personality. Yeah, anyway, I don't know what I want in my life. But I have to get up in less that 5 hours, which really sucks. Why do I have such a good visiting teaching companion? Why are my roomies so dang fun? I may never know the answers to these questions. Anyway though, what I really wanted to get out, is that I'm stupid when I'm tired. Well, even more so than when I'm awake, anyway. Yeah, I'll give a real update later. I miss Steve.

Procrastination, glottonous beings, icebergs

I suppose I have mastered one grand skill here at BYU: procrastination. Yes, I did learn this skill earlier on in life; however, I am nearly certain that I have not perfected it nearly as well as I have here. I have managed to put nearly every assignment off so much that either I end up not doing it, or it is absolutely so late that I feel absolutely overwhelmed. Indeed, writing this blog is putting off my homework. The absolutely ridiculous part of this whole ferocious cycle is, though, that I even work out these amazing schedules going by the half-hour of exactly what I will be accomplishing, but then I get onto facebook, or in this case blogspot, and I waste all of my time, accomplishing nothing. What a ridiculous way to live life! I know that I need to change, I even change in theory, yet in all practicality my life remains the same! Well, furthermore, I have this great desire to spend all of my time with friends. I have become a social glutton!! Is this how people will know me? As a glutton?! Well, there are definitely worst things to be gluttonous about. Perhaps a social glutton is better than someone who is gluttonous about food, although I probably am that too. Can I bridle my passions? Is this one of my trials--monitoring time, friends, and food? Indeed, I believe it is! I sincerely believe that I struggle with moderations. I tend to either want none or all! Is that the way most people are? I don't understand normal. Everybody strives to be "normal." I've heard a billion times that there is no such thing as normal. However, how do people know what normal is? People do not, in general, go around parading what they typically do, how they typically feel, and/or what they normally think. I believe that is a great misfortune. Perhaps we all suffer from great feelings of inadequacy, but nobody says anything, and because of that, everybody considers themselves abnormal. How unfortunate would that be! It always amazes me how alike people really are. Often it takes merely one conversation for people to find out their common interests and feelings, granted that would be one great conversation in which the people actually would have to open up and share. I have found that people rarely share their wealth of knowledge with others. I find this gravely misfortunate, as well. So much time and pain could be saved if people would open up and share what they have learned and gone through. Although I am tired of this metaphor, I'll use it anyway: People are like icebergs. One can only see the very top of a person, but that person always has so much more down beneath, that one can only imagine. One can look at the behaviors, mannerisms, clothes, appearance of a person, but could never tell why those behaviors, mannerisms, clothes, and appearance are evident in that person. Only as you delve deeper into the ocean, the soul, of a person, can you truly see what is going on underneath the facade. However, I believe that the iceberg runs down so deep, that it is impossible to get to the very bottom of it. With practice one can dive down deeper and deeper, but never can a diver reach the bottom. Why are people as icebergs? Is it a form of self-preservation? A way to not get hurt? Is a conscious choice, or some unconcious hiding? I suppose it is a little of both. People hide their deepest desires to shield them from the pain of peers, or of failure. Somehow, societal norms have also worked their way into what people will admit to, or talk about. I tend to blow these norms. I believe that many societal norms governing what we may comfortable talk about merely impede the progress of human beings. Not all norms do, but some may. For example, I do not care to hear about sex, homosexuality, or cannibalism. It is against societal norms to talk about those subjects, well, most of our taboos are gone, but these are still taboos in my society, and speaking of these subjects in most contexts will typically not aid my progression. However, when a social norm prevents people from sharing growth-promoting experiences, I believe that the social norm should be done away with. The strange thing about these norms, though, is that they're not pronounced. It just feels strange if somebody breaks one. Therefore, I could go up to someone and tell them all about myself--my life story, what has made me who I am today--and then that person could tell me all about why they are the way they are, however, that is very unlikely to occur, because it would feel very strange to the other person to have someone bear their soul. I believe a conversation like that would greatly improve both of the participants' paradigm on life. However, the part that I lament the greatest about a lack of conversations like this, is the impact that it has on psychology and philosophy. I have always been interested in what people are thinking and why. Why do people act the way they do? What do their behaviors mean? Is there a "normal" or not? How can we know? My point is that I will not receive answers to these questions until people really start opening up. Perhaps that is why I am typically so open. I feel as if I can learn more about these subjects if I learn more about other people. If I open myself up and share, then other people tend to open up themselves, and share what is hidden below the surface. By learning about other people, perhaps I can also learn more about myself. It is interesting to me how that works out. You go out, trying to find the answers to your questions, trying to figure out how the world works around you, and by finding the answers to these complex questions, you also discover more about yourself. Anyway, I suppose I should actually start on my homework tonight, so nos vemos!

A Good Conversation

I don't feel like going to sleep tonight. I don't know why. Do I fear what the morrow brings? Well, I really need to get caught up in my studies. I already feel as though I am quite behind, which is ridiculous, as it's only first week of school! I went to the library and studied for a bit tonight, but then I saw David White and started talking to him. It was admittedly one of the best conversations I've had in a while. We actually talked about substantial stuff. I haven't had a conversation in which I've actually had to think, and in which I have been able to express some of my philosophies of life and questions. It's probably been even longer since I've talked to somebody who actually thinks about that stuff, or I suppose, admits to thinking deeply about life. It was a grand experience. I really want to have more conversations like it, because it really expanded my paradigm. I want to think more about, well, everything! What do I believe in, and why? What are my theories? How do I treat things? I also need to concentrate more on school. I already have a lot of concentration on it, however, I could do so much better. I always say that I will do better, but very rarely do I actually act upon my "goals." I suppose it's just nice to finally talk to somebody who knows what they want, and is actually working hard to achieve it. It inspires me. What do I want? Well, I suppose that is an excellent question. I want to get in shape. I want to get A's in all of my classes. I want to understand the material that I am taught, not just get the grade, but also obtain that knowledge. I want to learn at least one more language. I love language. I believe it is so much fun! I am so exuberated to get my linguistics book! Man, and I really need to get my Spanish book as well. I hope that they come very rapidly. Very soon. As is typical, I really don't know what I want on the love side. I need to just concentrate on my studies and not worry about boys, but something inside me really wants to concentrate on boys, as well...not boys, but men! haha Anyway, I suppose that's just the nature of being a girl. I wonder if I'm superficial. I suppose a lot of people are. This probably goes along with the mask theme. You may refer back to my mask poem. Anyway, I really should be going to sleep very soon. I heard an awesome Portuguese saying tonight "Duerma con los angeles...pero no los toquen." I wonder why you're not supposed to touch them. Superfixe actually told me the saying, but he didn't know why you can't touch them. I wonder what my dialect is like. Do I have a dialect...well, of course I do! But how is it different than other peoples'? We talked a little about dialects today in linguistics. It's a fascinating subject. Anywho, I suppose I'll update ya'll later...although I'll probably be the only one to read this, which probably is good!

Questions to ask

Listening to John Denver's Leaving on a Jet Plane...I wonder what my life is going to be like. There are so many opportunities. I have so many incredible blessings. This reminds me of a poem I wrote about the questions that I face about my future. Who is going to hold me and never want to let me go? If I got on a jet plane, where would I want to go? I think I would hate to go. I have so much for me here.

I have been given so many opportunities
Will I take them? Or will I run and flee?
Staring at them face-to-face
Do I recognize all as God's grace?
Do I view them, as a little child--
Filled with wonder, so meek and mild?

Do I understand the heavenly source?
Or do I take them as a matter of course?
At the end of the day
Will I kneel down and pray?
Or will I take them all for granted
And say my own hand them it planted.

Do I see each gift of mine
As a way to help God's hand divine?
Do I touch another's life
In a way that God himself would strive?
Do I view a stranger's face
As a child of God, part of the human race?

Am I taking a big enough part
To ease the suffering of the human heart?
Are my works enough to please
The God of Heaven, Him I would appease?
Or do I need to do more?
Do I look at this as an undesirable chore?

Do I see another's need
As my call, my cry, my personal creed?
Do I think they have enough
When I have more than my share of stuff?
Am I willing to give away
My heart, my soul this very day?

Did I try in every way to ease another's day?
Did I help them feel the light, even just a ray?
Is the light that shines within me
Enough to warm another--even barely?
Does my intent speak out and charm
More than possible words that try to do harm?

How can I condition this selfish part of me?
How do I not listen when I'm prompted so clearly?
Why do I not clasp when someone's reaching out for help?
How can I just sit and ignore the painful yelp?
How am I writing here at the end of the day
Unsure if I have improved the world in anyway?


Wow, that poem took a while to write, but I'm glad I did!

You Can Say "Merry Christmas" in 8 Languages

You can say "Merry Christmas" in: English Spanish French Arabic German Greek Hawaiian Korean

How Many Languages Can You Say "Merry Christmas" In?

You Belong in 1957

You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in!

What Year Do You Belong In?

Confusion

I don't exactly understand RMs. I mean really, why would somebody want to get married when they're financially unstable, and have not even finished a chunk of college? It makes no sense. Well, ok, I do understand why someone would want to get married, I mean, I want to get married, but I'm not dumb enough to put everything else aside so that I can get married, that's just plain foolish. It's even more foolish to not date someone because they're not ready to get married. You don't even know if it's going to work with that person! Just give them a chance. Don't be a bonehead. What would make someone think that they could find someone better--someone who they got along with better that would marry them right off? Well, I guess in Utah it's possible, especially at the Y...even though I haven't seen a ton of evidence pointing to that possibility. I mean, I've barely been on any dates. Maybe I'm just not dateable or something. I don't know. It's ridiculous. But seriously guys, just give me a chance! I'm not terrible. I'm actually pretty cool. Blah, whatev. No one should be reading this anyway. I got a questionnaire thing that I have to fill out for the Study Abroad. I'm a little nervous, but I love Spanish. I am so excited to be immersed in it. You know what, I deserve better than him. I deserve someone that will support me and be excited for me and somebody that I can hold a continous conversation with, and someone that will, when he's around me, just pay attention to me. With exceptions. I mean, if he's working or trying to do something, I understand, but when I talk, I expect immediate feedback...haha I'm so high maintenance...but not really. If I know I'm his and he's mine, that I'm actually medium on the maintenance scale. I learned that from Steve..not that I was, but that I could be and should be. That was probably one of the greatest things I learned about that relationship--how to give him space. However, I'm typically super impatient, which means that I will call the guy and ask him on a date, or whatever. I realized last night that I initiated everything with Steve, and that I was initiating everything with Andy, too. bummer. Maybe I'll find a guy that will initiate things with me. haha, I should! Anyway, I gotta go...hasta luego!