Bowl of Oranges

My favorite song is Bowl of Oranges, by Bright Eyes, because it tells me that I just need to be positive. And I just need to be positive.

The College Life

Wow. I've been so busy lately, but I suppose that's only because I've wanted to be busy, because I didn't want to be busy today, and consequently I haven't been busy today. Well, I started school last week. I've had a bunch of homework. I haven't done a considerable amount of the reading for each of the classes, but I feel confident that I'm staying mainly caught up. I bet my laundry is done. I should check on it. Oh well, I can do that later. I feel so tired. We stayed up way late last night. Yesterday was so incredibly busy; we had regional conference, a fireside, supposed to have a bishop's interview, hall meeting, and then tunnel singing. Tunnel singing was fun. Man, I feel kinda mixed up about boys right now. It may be because I'm tired and it's my time of the month--that can have a huge impact on feelings. I don't know what we're doing for family home evening. I don't know if anyone knows. Oh well. Yeah, back to the boys, though...I think I kinda like a guy, but I don't want to like him. Mary has a picture with flowers on it and it says stuff like "Love as though you have never been hurt before." I think I'm having a very difficult time doing that, because I, of course, have been hurt way too many times before. I mean, it's good experience-wise, but...it kinda puts a damper on wanting to like someone. I just feel like any relationship I have with a boy right now will just lead to pain. Emotional pain is the worse. I would prefer physical pain over emotional pain any day. I've had the emotional pain that you can't help but completely sob over, trying to get the pain out, but nothing else--and then you feel like you're suffocating both on the inside and on the outside. It hurts. At those moments I would rather have had my leg cut off then go through that. I suppose I understand why emo kids cut, but...it's still stupid. Anyway, ballet started today. I'm pretty stoked for it! I learned plies and skipping and a kick, oh yes, and eleves, releves, and saltes. Yay!!! Cute romantic songs keep coming on the radio, which I love, but then they make me want to fall in love, but than i feel like the guy that I fall for won't fall for me back. That's what typically happens. Oh well. Man, I haven't even done my homework yet. haha and I need to clean my room, too!!! It's incredibly messy!!! I should figure out what my roomies are doing. I don't want them to leave to FHE without me.

The Valley

The river flows through, fresh and young,
And for the great trees takes care,
With their leaves freshly hung.
The scene is so serene, calmness and serenity everywhere
The valley is home to peace--indeed it is it's lair.

Yet with one stroke of terrible luck
Man's face is brought to view.
He unloads his great big diesel truck
And the peacefulness he begins to skew,
Then every natural color turns a strange, new hue.

He chops down trees and tramples the grass
On the river he builds a dam.
He gives the serenity so much sass
That it retreats, as timid as a lamb.
The river itself begins to cram.

The birds shriek out in great distress
As they witness the dreadful sight.
The bile and tears they try to suppress
With their eyes open wide in fright.
Then they are shot in their frenetic midflight.

That valley no longer possesses peace.
It was all taken by one man.
The serenity bears a massive crease
More unfoldable than a fan.
All because of one man.

Moving and life

Well, I've been doing a lot of moving lately. I helped the Batty's move out last week. I am going to miss them dearly; they are such amazing people. This week I helped my family move. I left my stuff over at the old house, which has caused a lot of chaos. I move to Heritage on Wednesday--in 3 days. I plan on finishing packing tomorrow, which will leave Tuesday open for me to go shopping, or whatever I need to do. Then I'll be gone. I had a job interview with building security at BYU today. I don't think it went very well, and I don't believe I got the job, but all I can do is wait to find out. I hope I did. I'm so stressed right now. It wouldn't have been nearly as bad if my parents hadn't moved the week before I was going to. Shoot. I still need to finish Learning in the Light of Faith, as well. Sometimes it feels like life is overwhelmingly stressful. I wonder what heaven is like. Do we face stresses? I bet we do. I suppose we'll never get away from them. I feel like I've wasted my life thus far. I haven't accomplished anything major. I feel so old, yet I am so young. I look at the people my age who have started their own business, or already have at least their associates degree, and I wonder what I have done. Have I contributed to the world? I know that I have been a decent friend to many people, but sometimes it just feels like that is not enough. Sometimes I want to have my own special moment. Oh, that reminds me of a poem I wrote for creative writing last year:

A Moment In Time


The crowds are bustling
In the halls today.
I wish I could be one of them,
Smiling on my way.
I try for a moment
Open my mouth,
Show some teeth,
But nobody notices.
I want to cry and weep.
I’ll just try saying “Hi!”
I think to myself.
I say “Hi” to a few
Nobody notices

I must be invisible.
I shrink from the crowd,
Duck into my class.
Science!
Somewhere I can excel at last!
I give myself a pep talk;
Tell myself I am smart,
But in come the
Jocks, nerds, preps,
Everyone I’m not.

I open my mouth,
But I’m too afraid.
After all, the end to pleasure
Is only pain.
The teacher asks a question.
I could’ve gotten it right
If only he hadn’t called
On Lucy Skidmore instead.
I tell myself “next time”
But I never got called.
I leave from that class
Feeling worse than before.

Why must I be here?
I ask, I implore.
I only want to fit in.
Have that moment in time
When anyone notices
That I’m truly sublime.

Sometimes it would be nice to really be noticed. I mean, I'm completely average. I'm not the best student, yet I'm not the worst. I'm not the best looking. I have no distinguishing characteristics. I hate interviews. I feel like they always bring that out about me. I know that Rachel thinks I'm amazing, and so does Will. Yet sometimes it doesn't help to know that you're close friends think you're amazing. Sometimes you want the most distant people from you to think you're amazing. Well, I know this is pretty self-pitying. "Sometimes when I'm feeling bad, I just don't want to feel better!!" ugh. Anyway, I do want to feel better, so I will be more positive...I think. Man, there's an annoying fly that keeps pestering me!!

Heart-wrenching drama

So, basically, I think I made a big mistake of falling for a friend. Unfortunately, it was towards the beginning of the friendship, and I knew that he was quite unavailable. I knew he wasn't ready for a relationship. I didn't try to force one or anything. However, it's pretty easy to tell when I like someone. Well, he let me know that he didn't want a relationship, because he was in love with someone else. I understood that. I had always been torn between my feelings for him, because I really did have a crush on him, but I didn't want to, because our friendship was more important to me. Therefore, I decided that I really did not want to give that frienship up, no matter what happened. Unfortunately, life doesn't always go as planned. I would try to text him to find out when he could/wanted to hang out, and he would respond with something like "idk". I knew something was up, and it really hurt, because I knew that we were losing our friendship, which was all that really ever mattered to me. Because of that, I sent him a message saying that I was tired of being the one to initialize texts and hang outs, and that it was now up to him. I said it pretty dramatically, but that's because I was tired and hurt, and just felt like crying. He texted me later in the day saying that he had been ignoring me, because he was afraid of hurting me. Little did he realize that by protecting me, he was doing worse. I felt pretty glad that I hadn't been blowing the whole thing out of proportion, because quite frankly, I can be quite an attention-craving-drama-queen! It felt so good to be talking to him, like old times! Once again I thought we were cool. After a few days, I decided to call him to see when he could hang out before he left. He sounded pretty hesitant, but finally replied Tuesday. I then tried talking to him for a while, but he was really distracted-sounding, and I kinda felt like he really didn't feel like talking. A few hours later, though, he texted me asking me "what if I had a girlfriend?" I was kinda stunned by that, but told him that I would be happy for him, and that he should invite her to our next hang out. I mainly was happy for him. I mean, you know, he kinda lied to me about being completely smitten with someone else still, and that pretty much told me that I'm not good enough...another good ol' blow to my self-esteem. Then he said that he did, but he didn't, and that it was complicated. dude. How complicated could it be?! He then said that I could call her if I wanted, and gave me her phone number!!! Ok, seriously, why would I want to call her?!! I don't even know her!!! That's when I started getting a bit mad...it's also when I remembered that I told my cousin Dave that I would play ultimate frisbee with him and his friends on Tuesday night. I think I handled that blow pretty well, though. That is, until the next day, when I had heard enough from my friend telling me to just tell him to stop flattering himself by thinking that I like him. So I sent him a text saying: "stop flattering yourself! I don't even like you like that!" It was pretty thrilling, I must admit!!! However, I felt so super bad. He replied with a "what?". I told him that it seemed like he thought I liked him, but i didn't. He then replied with a "whatever". Goodness, I wish I knew the tone of that. After I got that, I realized that our friendship was probably over. Who would want to be friends with me? Golly, I can be such a jerk. My friend told me that he had done worse things to me, but still...that's no way to act. Just because he made me cry for a week, whenever I thought about it...you know, it's not important. I really should stop putting myself ahead of others. I'm so self-centered sometimes. Man, I'm good until I start thinking about it. Then I just sigh a sometimes not-so-silent-sigh. It just sucks that I ruined that friendship, but it was fun while it lasted. I don't think there's anyway that I can make up for it. I mean, he would probably be completely awkward if we hung out again. I would be ok, but I don't think he would. He probably doesn't even care. Why should he, though? I mean, what kind of friend was I being? A jerkish one.

New Bike!

I got a bike today! It was pretty exhilarating, except on the ride home I remembered how terrified I really am of riding a bike! I don't know why, but I'm not a very good bike rider, and perhaps that's why I'm afraid of riding bikes! It probably stems from me riding a bike years ago and not being able to turn corners, but instead falling over, in front of cars! My back brake isn't too good, so I think I'll see if someone can help me fix that. I obviously have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to bikes. I wonder if Andy would be able to tighten it. My guess is that it's loose, but as I have no knowledge of anything mechanical, someone else will have to look at it. Anyway, I'm thinking about riding it over to Rach's house, but I suck at riding bikes! It's pretty much all straight, though, so I don't have to worry about turning. However, there is a big hill, which means that I have to press my brakes, which suck, and then ride back up it, of course, I could just walk my bike up. I wonder how long it would take. I guess the only way to find out is to try it! Hmmm...so Andy is going up to Idaho this weekend! I kinda miss him. I don't want to, but I do. I still wonder why I like him. I don't know. He's genuinely a good guy, though. Even if he goes bunny bashing. Which I think is completely disgusting and terrible, on principle. Gee, I don't know. Alex is working swing shifts, so I never get to talk to him, either! It's ridiculous! Shoot. He's a good friend. Oh man, I can't wait to hang out with Rach! She's so cool! Ugh, I want some ice cream or cookie dough...something!!! Hotdogs just don't fill voids! The trek is next week, which means that I really need to start looking for long sleeve shirts and whatever else I need for it. I'm kind of impartial to going, right now. I know I'll have a ton of fun when I go, but right now, I'm really not that excited. Blah. Blahness. Oh well. I think I'll leave at 5 to go to Rach's house. hee hee...she'll be surprised! I could just spend the night at her house. My family went camping, otherwise I'd probably just get a ride or not worry about going. I work at 11:30 tomorrow, so I would have time to ride back and shower and everything. That would be fun. Rach and I could talk for hours. Dooo doo dooo dooo doo...I'm done.

Masks

As I paint this mask
I contemplate.
Of my work I am proud;
Of the symbol, I ain’t.

Helping others to hide
Behind ceramic and paint--
Losing their souls
Without a complaint.

Blending in with each other,
Indeed is their goal;
Individuality they fear,
Is as black as coal.

They try to dig themselves out,
But dig down too deep,
For the hole that they dig
Buries them ‘till they sleep.

And they cannot awaken
From this dreadful slumber
Because they all fell asleep
Together, in one number.


For some reason, as I began to type, the words of The Danger of Masks came to my mind. I wrote this poem during the first semester of my senior year. I really do like it, though. My cousin Mary bought me the game "True Colors" for either Christmas or my birthday, I don't really remember which one it was, when I was 16. She wanted me to remember to act the way that I really am inside. She wanted me to be myself and not wear a mask. That was probably some of the best advice that I've had. I've often reflected on her wisdom. However, it can be difficult to be true to oneself. There is constant pressure to join in with others, or act a different way to please someone. However, I know that if I can't be myself around someone, then they aren't the type of person that I should hang around. One of the more difficult things about this is that I'm pretty versatile. However, I suppose I'm not versatile enough to completely change myself to adapt myself to others' standards. "Naught can endure but mutability"--Percy Byshe Shelly.