Boredom at work

So basically I have nothing to do at work. Imagine that. haha well, considering it happens nearly every day now, it should come as no surprise. Hmmm...I don't know exactly what I'm going to write about today, so I think I'll just start writing and then maybe the ideas will begin to flow. Hmmm...what are my fears? Well, it's kind of hard for me to say what I'm afraid of. I personally believe that fears are just in the mind. You can control your thoughts (theoretically), therefore you should be able to control your fears. The things that people are usually afraid of are really quite ridiculous. For example: bugs. I think the fear of bugs is quite unnecessary. I mean, they are little things that could possibly bite you, but it's just a momentary pain/itch, unless it's a poisonous bug which could then kill you. It's quite an unreasonable fear, yet for some strange reason, I do kind of fear bugs. Especially spiders. It doesn't matter what type of spider or how big it is. I still keep a steady eye on it until it is out of my sight. Don't ask me why this is. I do not know. I do not understand it. Bugs scare me!! And yet at times I am able to recognize how unreasonable this fear is and I am able to turn my head away, or kill the bug myself. Wouldn't it be easier if I could always remember?! Oh my. I do believe it would be. Life, however, I have determined, is not supposed to be easy. If it were we would never have to work. We would be able to eat all the sugary, high fat, greasy foods that we so desired and we would never have to go to the gym unless we wanted. But hey, I think life would be really dull that way. Oh man, so in Pride and Prejudice (the book) Mr. Bennett states that every girl likes to have a broken heart once in a while because it adds more to her life...or something. I wonder if that's true. I think it might be! Who doesn't like a little scandal?!! Seriously! I think it might be good to have a broken heart once in a while. It really helps you appreciate when you have something good. It's funny how we have all these different perceptions of ourselves throughout our lives. How our paradigms change so drastically. Goodness. Sometimes it's for the better and sometimes it's for the worse, but hey! Who's to say what's good? Oh man, I've lately been accused of not judging people. Yeah, I don't know about that. It's true that I really try to accept people as they are, but oddly enough, I think I accept more seemingly "questionable" people than "righteous" people. I think it's because the "questionable" people have fallen, but are doing their best to get up. They've struggled majorly in life, know the very depths of despair, and are climbing back up, steadily or not, into the light. Along their hike up, however, they inspire so many people. Whether they are conscious of the inspiration or not is an indepependent factor. I know so many people who are on that very climb. They truly know what it is to feel sorrow. They have undergone the many terrible things in life and they don't want anyone else to experience the pain and the rugged ascent after the fall. I think that's amazing. That's a true hero. That is true love, true charity. I personally do not have a grasp on this. I tend to just let people do what they want. I have no sense of danger. Perhaps I have lived in this bubble of Utah Valley for way too long. I greatly believe in agency. I believe that people should be allowed to do what they want. It's their choice and their consequence. If somebody starts smoking or whatever, then I'll tell them that they shouldn't and that it's bad for them, but beyond that...well, they know the ill-effects. They should be wise enough to make the decision and if they're not, nothing I do will stop them if they really want to do it. That's it. End of story. Of course, I will grieve with them. I will cry for them. I will cry with them. It will hurt me when they are hurt, but they have to live their lives. They must make their mistakes. Sometimes that is the only way that people learn. Unfortunately, sometimes they get in too deep. Actually, I think doing any of it is getting in too deep. It's such a risky business. Yes, and this is coming from somebody who does frequently take risks. I'm usually not afraid to try new things. haha I guess this brings me back to fears. I discovered yesterday, as I have discovered in the past, that I am now afraid of commitment. I have had the brilliant opportunity to meet a new fellow, and I like him. I really do. I even kissed him. That is kind of big for me. We spent some wonderful time together, and then I went home and started freaking out because I didn't know what I wanted. I reverted back to my talk with Nate when he told me that he had actually considered commitment with me. "Is she really worth it?" was a question he asked himself. I can understand that. There is a lot to sacrifice, especially when there are a lot of people that you could date. Commitment destroys chances, at least temporarily if not long-term. You're no longer playing the field. Playing the field is safe and easy. I mean,yes, once in a while you will fall for someone and then find out that they don't like you the same way, but you don't have a real relationship yet. While it does matter, it really doesn't matter. It's not until you both have grown together and sacrificed together that it really matters. If something goes wrong then and isn't worked out, that's when it really hurts. That's where the real pain is. That's when ice cream and chocolate and best friends don't really help. That's when nothing seems to be able to comfort. That's when you cry yourself to sleep and wake up crying too. That's when you start crying in the supermarket because a song comes on through the speakers that reminds you of him, or you see his favorite cereal. Or that's when you become completely void of all feelings. That's when you stop caring about anything and consequently hurt other people, not intentionally, but you still do it. Eventually you kind of get over it. Maybe not completely, but the pain does subside. You can start dating other people. You might have a little fun, but in the beginning the dates just feel awkward and painful. Anyway, I need to stop that depressing note!!! I swear I haven't completely gone through that!!! haha anyway, maybe that's what scares me about commitment!!

Friends

I feel nearly overwhelmed with the need to write. It's amazing how a simple sheet of lined paper can provide the perfect canvas to portray one's soul. It has been so long since I have truly written. I have dabbled here and there, but nothing extremely real or pertinent have I jotted down. I do not know precisely of what I should write. I have been contemplating it for nearly an hour. There merely semes to be too much swirling around in my head. Narrowing the options down is difficult, but finding time to write about all that I would desire to is even more difficult. First I beleive I will touch upon the worth of a soul. It is strenuous to comprehend how much influence just one person has on the world. I find it quite intriguing how people form relationships. I suppose it would be appropriate before I begin this discussion for me to admit that I have lost a high number of friends, mainly from moving. I have also been rejected a fair number of times. I fear pain. I disdain losing friends. Rejection truly does make me sad deep down, although I do quite well at hiding it and laughing it off. One might easily become convinced that life would be much easier if people did not form relationships. After all, relationships, friendships just lead to pain in the end. When I first moved to Bountiful Court I was convinced that I did not want anymore friends. I repeatedly told myself and others that. I did not want to experience the joy of a friendship, just to have that person leave, as they inevitably would, , and by leaving, they would also leave a hole in my heart. However, upon moving into BC, I promptly made a great number of friends and became even more social that I had hitherto been. It was a strange realization. My logic had been fallacious. I knew that it was, but to have proven myself wrong so quickly perturbed me slightly. What I didn't take into account was that a hole in the heart can only be patched by other people. I needed the good folk of Bountiful Court to boister me up and make me see my need. I have been so blessed in my life to meet phenomenal people at times in which I have really needed a good influence or example. I can honestly say that my life has been corrected, I have been set on the right path, a plethura of times by the special friends and people I have had the opportunity to become acquainted with throughout my life. I want to thank everyone who has ever made me smile or laugh, because it is you who has given me the ability to smile today. I want to thank everyone who has ever made me think--made me question the world, my beliefs, my self-being. You have led me to know who I am. Finally, I would like to thank all those who have pushed me to become better in any, or all ways. Those of your who have listened to me complain and then showed me how to get through my trials with a radiant smile on my face. Thank you for being you and for allowing yourself to be a beacon of light, a whirlwind of good, carrying me off onto a path of righteousness.

Untitled

The love of our Savior, pure and deep,
Brings such great joy--makes me sing and weep.
I sing of the joy, the blessings I've ben given.
I weep for the trials and pains that for me have been ridden.
I laugh and I cry in grand ecstasy.
And raise my voice high for the gospel decreed to me.
I'll share it, I will, with pure testimony.
And raise God's kingdom, be a beacon for all to see.

I wrote this at church :-) I know I should have been paying attention, but I was wicked tired.

To My Mother Dear

To my mother dear
Who once qualmed all my fear.
Who gave me food and drink
And acted as a shrink.
Who held me and caressed
And for that I've been blessed.

To my mother sweet
Who fed me bread and meat.
Who picked me up from school
When I was as sick as a fool.
Who attended my sports game
Even when it was lame.

To my mother kind
Who spanked me on my behind
When I was ill-behaved
Who corrected as I craved
And taught me simple truth
Even in my youth.

To my mother dear
Whose love brings me a tear.
Who loves me at all times
Despite my little crimes.
Who forgives me and lets go
And always lets her light show.

I am 66% Blonde

Copy and paste this in your notes section, then add or subtract x's to match you! Pass it on to all the blondes and potential blondes you know!

[x] Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were talking.

[x] Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were NOT talking

[] You have ran into a glass/screen door

[ ]You have jumped out of a moving vehicle.

[X] You have thought of something funny and laughed, then people gave you weird looks.

total=3

[] You have ran into a tree.

[x] It IS possible to lick your elbow

[ ] You just tried to lick your elbow

[x]You never knew that the Alphabet and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same rhythm.

[] You just tried to sing them.

[] You have tripped on your shoelace and fallen.

[X] You have choked on your own spit.

[ ]You have seen the the Matrix and still don’t get it.

[x] You didn’t notice that in the last question “the” was spelled twice

[X] You just looked at it

[]Your hair is blonde/dirty blonde.

[x]People have called you slow.

total so far=9

[] You have accidentally caught something on fire

[] You tried to drink out of a straw, but it went into your nose/eyes/cheek.

[X] You have caught yourself drooling.

[x] You’ve fallen asleep in class

[] If someone says “fart” you laugh.

[X] You just laughed.

total so far=12


[x] Sometimes you just stop thinking

[X] You tell a story and forget what you were talking about

[x ] People are often shaking their heads and walking away from you

[]You are often told to use your “inside voice”.

[x]You use your fingers to do simple math.

total so far= 16

[]You have eaten a bug.

[x]You are taking this test when you should be doing something important

[x] You have put your clothes on backwards or inside out, and didn’t realize it

[X] You’ve looked all over for something and realized it was in your hand or pocket

total so far=19

[ ] You sometimes post bulletins because you are scared that what they say will happen to you if you don’t do it even when you know it won’t happen to you.

[] You break a lot of things.

[ ] Your friends know not to use big words around you

[x ]You sometimes tilt your head when you are confused

[x ] You have fallen out of your chair before

[x] When you’re laying in bed, you try to find pictures in the texture of the ceiling

total: 22

times it by 3 then put " I am __% blonde" as the title

The Secret Thoughts of a Poet

The Secret Thoughts of a Poet

It's opaque and thin, with ink so deep
This pen that allows my soul to seep.
It colors the pages of a wire-bound journal--
Records my thoughts--both joyful and infernal.
It leads me to whisk you, from reality, away
Inside my head, for just a moment to stay.
You read my thoughts and try to analyze
And on the paper, the ink quickly dries.
You feel so much more than could possibly be read
The feelings surpass what I actually said.
Your imagination has now taken you o'er.
You are wondering now why you do feel more.
Could the words that I've written sparked this grand plight?
Your head is now spinning. You're left with no might.

Man hating!

Well, once again I am on the verge of giving up on the male species. I mean really!!! Do you know how frustrating it is to be a beautiful brunette of average size?! First of all, for some reason, men seem to want blondes. I do not understand this. At all. Not only do they want blondes, though, they want these tiny itsy bitsy little girls. It is absolutely ridiculous! I am not blonde, nor am I tiny! Shoot! I am the opposite of tiny! I can pick most men up!! haha Well, It's not that I'm fat, I just am a little bigger. One of the strangest things about men is that they really don't care about beauty. I'm not trying to say that I'm the most beautiful person in the world, but I don't think that I'm bad looking. However, being the prideful, terrible person that I am, I often judge other people's looks--especially the little blonde bimbos that boys choose. Do you realize how often they are not even pretty? They're just chosen because they are a little...racy, to put it nicely, short, and blonde?! It's infuriating! However, I suppose those are not the type of men that I want, so I really should probably be thankful that I am not one of those girls. What kind of life must they have? Always being hit on by the hott men that only care about those things? Shoot. I guess I'd rather stick with the typically strange fellows that flock me. I mean, they have a sense of style!! lol They know what a woman is! haha Anyway...so I realized last night that Cameron is not a homie, he's just a friend, which really does make me sad. As Albert told me, "A homie is someone you can call up any time and be like 'hey man, let's go kick it!' and the homie will be like 'yeah! right on!' but a friend is someone you call up and say 'hey man, let's go kick it!' and they'll be like 'well, i dunno...let me think about that for a while.'" Obviously I'm a homie. However, he is not. Which sucks. Our homie-age is just one-sided. Dude. Seriously, I deserve better friends then him. I mean, I could be blowing this out of proportion, but then again--I can't even come up with a defense for him. I mean, at least he's honest when he blows me off, though. He keeps saying that he wants to go country dancing, but he never comes, and now there are four days per week that he could choose from. The stupid thing is, that he could easily go on Saturday or Tuesday, but golly...he just doesn't. He said he's nervous...whatev. Stupid. On a grander note, though...I get to go country dancing tonight, and I went last night!! It's so much fun! It's probably one of my favorite things to do...even though some boys are stupid. You know, though, I just need a real man who knows what he wants in life. A fellow like that would appreciate me. haha I sound so retarded!! Oh well, I'm just venting all that most women feel!! I guess one thing that does bug me is that I'm just like them!! The guys, that is. I have a certain type that I like...well, actually I like many types, but I tend to go after only the guys that I think are cute, which is pretty sad, since I'm totally discriminating! How ridiculous is that?!! I have no room to talk! Shoot! Man, so there's this absolutely adorable guy who goes to the country dances, and he's so adorable!! He's a perfect gentleman, with an awesome personality...the only problem is he's tiny! Not only does he look really young for his age, but he's just plain small!! If he were a bigger fellow I would totally go for him...but he's not and so I don't. He probably gets that all the time, too. Poor guy. I mean, you just can't force someone to be different than their genetics will allow them. Anyway, I just proctored, so now I'm gonna go! But I wrote some poems and song lyrics while I was proctoring, it's possible that I'll post them. Peace.