Hmmm...my big problem...

So...I have this problem. Every time I meet a nice, good guy and we hit it off and I like him and then I go on a date with him...I start pushing him away. I don't fully understand why. I mean, am I afraid? What is there to be afraid of? Actually being with a decent person? I think that would be a feat! I don't know. This has happened a couple times within the last month. This one guy that I liked from high school asked me out and I was super stoked..and then I started thinking about how he was so amazing...and I seriously considered cancelling my date! What the--!!! Why would I even consider that?! So we went on the date and had a ton of fun...and then never talked since. Well, I'm ok with that. Should I be ok with it? Sure. He was amazing, but not for me. Ok, that's cool. Why not. Anyway, so over the last couple of weeks I met another guy, who is totally sweet and funny and has the same interests as me...and I started getting a lil bit of a crush on him...and then he asked me on a date! And I was so excited!!! And then I was afraid that it was going to make things awkward...so I got nervous...but then we had a great conversation on the phone, which made me not worry about that so much. However...as the date got closer, I started seriously considering cancelling. Very seriously. And I kind of thought about ditching...and that worries me. We ended up having a ton of fun, as anticipated, and we're still friends...but, I don't know. I'm trying to figure out what I want. I've been saying that I don't want a guy right now; I just want to concentrate on school and work and army stuff, but I think every girl wants a relationship, deep down inside. Well, anyway, so I found this amazing guy, and he asked me on a date, and we had fun, and we're friends...and I should totally be falling for him. But I'm kinda not. And I don't know if it's because we just don't have chemistry like that, or if it's because I'm doing that thing where I just harden my heart so that I don't get hurt and so I can just push them away, while trying to maintain friendship. If he continues to show interest, then I'll go along with it, because from what I've seen, he'd be really good for me and he's the kind of guy I need. Shoot. I just shouldn't worry about it. I worry too much. However, I think this is definitely a topic that I should watch out for, because if I don't stop soon, then I could miss out on an outstanding opportunity. I don't want to do that. At all. So it's something I'm going to work on, but as for now...I'll probably just try to go with the flow and not be pushy in any way...which can be kinda hard for me, I'll admit!

As a New Year Approaches...

A year is kind of a long time. What have I accomplished this year? I've wasted the last few months. That's for sure. I started country dancing this year and have met a lot of people through that. I have gone on a lot of dates, but nothing but disappointment has come from those. Disappointment and undeserved kisses. Ahhh...oh well. It happens. I worked a lot. Went to school a lot, but not nearly as much as I ought to have. I got a couple of pairs of cowboy boots! I started playing volleyball on Tuesday nights again. I haven't lost any friends, that I know of, and made even more friends. I became less judgemental. I became more patient and understanding. I got out of shape and started working on getting back in shape. I decided to join the army reserves. I got my first speeding ticket (ouch $240)! I discovered a little bit more about who I am. I lost all feeling of self-worth and started gaining it back. I also got my big ol' belt buckle, which I'm quite proud of, even though I didn't earn it in a rodeo or anything. I started eating spinach more than fruit. I started drinking water a billion times more than I drink juice. I really did make a lot of new friends. Awesome people. I've had my heart surprisingly broken a little and realized that my heart was not quite mended from years before. I've become more career oriented than boy oriented. I've started checking out trucks. I've made big mistakes and learned from them. I've cried, but laughed a heck of a lot more! I've changed my major, unofficially, about 3 times. I've started watching out for myself more. I realized that there are some guys that I'll possibly never really get over. I took an art class and started getting my creativity back. I've realized how...unique...I am.

Army

Well, I'm working on joining the army reserves. I want to get an the civil affairs MOS. Then in the fall I'm planning on joining ROTC, after basic. Man. I this could be one of the best decisions of my life. It could also be one of the worst. I am starting to get cold feet. I'm pretty nervous. It's something that I've thought about doing for a long, long time, but there are reasons that I haven't yet. I'm not sure what those are. They probably deal with waking up early. I'm not extremely great at waking up early, but as soon as I'm up, I'm usually good. Of course I'm facing a bit of opposition in this decision. I have people telling me that I shouldn't join, that it's going to be really hard, that's it's going to ruin me. Well...dang. That sucks. Luckily I also have people telling me that I would do awesome and that I can handle it. I'd like to think I can. I've been through a ton of crap before. Basic scares me, I'm not going to lie. Basic terrifies me. Oh man, and I really need to get in shape. I wish I were in shape for the first couple of weeks of ROTC, because they say that it's pretty dang bad the first couple of weeks, but...stupid snow. Snow makes it hard to live life!! Shoot! I should just buck up and go run in the snow. I'll be doing worse things in the army, anyway, but a part of me says that maybe I should just wait until I get in the army to do miserable things! Trevor said that it's natural to get cold feet before you join, and then to go through the buyer's phase, which i'm guessing is kinda like "oh..dang...maybe I should't have done this" and then you go to basic and you're like 'what the heck did I do to myself', and then you get out of there and the rest is pretty good. That's what I'm expecting. I know I'll like it once I get in there. I want to be army strong: mentally, physically, emotionally. I feel as if I do have what it takes to get there. Furthermore, I'll be an officer, so it shouldn't be as bad, and I'll get paid more. The only thing about being an officer is that you don't get to go out and do the cool stuff. Well, maybe. I guess that depends on the officer and the mission. Anyway, I have to go now, but I'll update more later.

Grandpa

I saw your name in the stars last night
It was the middle of the night so I turned off the light.
I started thinking about all that we had
And all the times you made me feel glad.

The stars were shining so bright
And I was wishing with all of my might
That you could come back into my life
And teach me to live, not only survive.

But the days are long and the nights even longer
And I wonder if I'll ever satisfy the hunger
That comes from missing you every day
And so at times I close my eyes and pray.

Oh and the stars are shining so bright
And I know you're an angel so light
And I know you're watching o'er me
In the heavens, oh that great starry sea.

At times it's so hard I wanna give up
But I know you're sending me your love.
And I can feel your arms encircling me
As you gently rock me to sleep.

Oh the stars are shining so bright
And your love makes me feel alright.
I know that you still take care of me
And are watching from that great starry sea.

I think back to my younger years
When you held me and I told you my fears
Those days were so long ago
But the pain of you leaving still brings me woe.

Oh but the stars are shining so bright
And I know you're an angel so light
And I know that you're watching over me
In the heavens, oh that great starry sea.

I love you, oh Grandpa, I do
And I can't find a replacement for you.
You helped raise me as a young child
And taught me to be original, yet mild.

And the stars are shining so bright
And I'm still learning from your light.
As time goes on I'm finding more value
In all that you stood for and held to be true.

...

So...I haven't written in a while. I just read about how two of my friends just broke up with eachother. Sometimes life doesn't make sense. It's so crazy how life never takes you where you intend to go. If you have any plans, any sense of where you're headed, then you're wrong. If you actually do get where you want to go, then something is wrong. Terribly wrong. I often wonder what my life is going to bring. I suppose that is fallacious. Why wonder about something that will inevitably not be what you want it to be, or at least what you expect it to be. I've realized that as of late, I kind of expect that I will end up with Steve. If I don't, that it perfectly fine. I probably won't, but sometimes I just feel like I will. Which would actually be pretty awesome. He was my first love. I guess it's true that you cannot ever really let go of your first love. Our song just came on. Sometimes I feel like such a sentimental old lady. Wow. I suppose I have just finally realized how great he was. I would never have realized that if we had stayed together. I mean, we had our problems, but still...overall it was a good experience. He was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me and I keep hoping that I'll find someone who can take his place. Someone who treats me the way that he treated me and really love me, but I have determined that it is not fair for me to impose that expectation on anyone. It's been a year and a half. Isn't that insane? I need to either let go of him or...I don't know. Do something maybe. Write a letter. I have been yearning to spend time with his family, well, with his parents. Jeremy is really awkward to be around still. I love his parents dearly. His dad was like a dad to me and his mom was like a mom to me. And his grandparents...they really took on the role of mine, since i don't really have any anymore. Wow. And now I'm crying. I just wish we could all be back in Mt. Pleasant riding the four wheelers...him in front and me on the back, because I'm too scared to drive and I just want to hold onto him. There was a perfect sunset last time we went. It was beautiful. We went for an evening drive on the quads and then we parked and sat on a stone bridge, just staring out at the vast desert and the beautiful colors of the sunset. It was perfect. We were so happy. And we both knew that was all we needed and wanted for the rest of our lives. What happened? I knew we had to break up. He needed to go on his mission and wouldn't if we were still together. We were getting way too close physically and he felt too secure with me by his side. The only way for him to progress in life was for me to go. And I needed to experiment the world and the terrible realm of jerks that lay outside of Steven. So I let him go. It needed to be done, it was witnessed to me by the holy ghost and it felt good to let him go, because it was the right thing to do. But I miss him so much. It was actually pretty easy to break up. That's what happens when God is on your side. He gives you comfort. The hardest part though, was when I realized, when I saw how much I hurt him. Oh Goodness. That still kills me. I hated hurting him. And he didn't fully understand why i did what I did. It had to be a pretty clean break, otherwise we would get back together again. We had tried to break up before, but it never worked, because we both wanted to be together. For goodness sakes! We had dated for over a year, both of us in high school, without a single break up!! That in itself is huge. I think about him every day. Every day. I compare every guy to him, whether I want to or not. I shouldn't. But I'm still in love with him. he's amazing. What am I going to do? I don't know. Oh man. I really do want to write to him, to open the lines of our communication once more, but I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to distract him on his mission. He is where he needs to be. I know that and he knows that. Oh man. I don't want to hurt him again. He doesn't deserve to be hurt, ever, by anyone, especially by me. The last time we hung out, it didn't go so well...I was so stupid and immature. I was a jerk. I hope I have changed since then. It's a common theme in my life for me to realize that I've been a jerk, though. One day I hope I truly learn. I think I have changed in a lot of ways though. One thing that he said towards the end of our relationship haunts me to this day. He asked me if I loved him or if I just loved having a boyfriend. That has made me question everytime I like a guy. And it especially makes me question what I feel when I think of Steve. Oh. I just miss him. So much.

Boredom at work

So basically I have nothing to do at work. Imagine that. haha well, considering it happens nearly every day now, it should come as no surprise. Hmmm...I don't know exactly what I'm going to write about today, so I think I'll just start writing and then maybe the ideas will begin to flow. Hmmm...what are my fears? Well, it's kind of hard for me to say what I'm afraid of. I personally believe that fears are just in the mind. You can control your thoughts (theoretically), therefore you should be able to control your fears. The things that people are usually afraid of are really quite ridiculous. For example: bugs. I think the fear of bugs is quite unnecessary. I mean, they are little things that could possibly bite you, but it's just a momentary pain/itch, unless it's a poisonous bug which could then kill you. It's quite an unreasonable fear, yet for some strange reason, I do kind of fear bugs. Especially spiders. It doesn't matter what type of spider or how big it is. I still keep a steady eye on it until it is out of my sight. Don't ask me why this is. I do not know. I do not understand it. Bugs scare me!! And yet at times I am able to recognize how unreasonable this fear is and I am able to turn my head away, or kill the bug myself. Wouldn't it be easier if I could always remember?! Oh my. I do believe it would be. Life, however, I have determined, is not supposed to be easy. If it were we would never have to work. We would be able to eat all the sugary, high fat, greasy foods that we so desired and we would never have to go to the gym unless we wanted. But hey, I think life would be really dull that way. Oh man, so in Pride and Prejudice (the book) Mr. Bennett states that every girl likes to have a broken heart once in a while because it adds more to her life...or something. I wonder if that's true. I think it might be! Who doesn't like a little scandal?!! Seriously! I think it might be good to have a broken heart once in a while. It really helps you appreciate when you have something good. It's funny how we have all these different perceptions of ourselves throughout our lives. How our paradigms change so drastically. Goodness. Sometimes it's for the better and sometimes it's for the worse, but hey! Who's to say what's good? Oh man, I've lately been accused of not judging people. Yeah, I don't know about that. It's true that I really try to accept people as they are, but oddly enough, I think I accept more seemingly "questionable" people than "righteous" people. I think it's because the "questionable" people have fallen, but are doing their best to get up. They've struggled majorly in life, know the very depths of despair, and are climbing back up, steadily or not, into the light. Along their hike up, however, they inspire so many people. Whether they are conscious of the inspiration or not is an indepependent factor. I know so many people who are on that very climb. They truly know what it is to feel sorrow. They have undergone the many terrible things in life and they don't want anyone else to experience the pain and the rugged ascent after the fall. I think that's amazing. That's a true hero. That is true love, true charity. I personally do not have a grasp on this. I tend to just let people do what they want. I have no sense of danger. Perhaps I have lived in this bubble of Utah Valley for way too long. I greatly believe in agency. I believe that people should be allowed to do what they want. It's their choice and their consequence. If somebody starts smoking or whatever, then I'll tell them that they shouldn't and that it's bad for them, but beyond that...well, they know the ill-effects. They should be wise enough to make the decision and if they're not, nothing I do will stop them if they really want to do it. That's it. End of story. Of course, I will grieve with them. I will cry for them. I will cry with them. It will hurt me when they are hurt, but they have to live their lives. They must make their mistakes. Sometimes that is the only way that people learn. Unfortunately, sometimes they get in too deep. Actually, I think doing any of it is getting in too deep. It's such a risky business. Yes, and this is coming from somebody who does frequently take risks. I'm usually not afraid to try new things. haha I guess this brings me back to fears. I discovered yesterday, as I have discovered in the past, that I am now afraid of commitment. I have had the brilliant opportunity to meet a new fellow, and I like him. I really do. I even kissed him. That is kind of big for me. We spent some wonderful time together, and then I went home and started freaking out because I didn't know what I wanted. I reverted back to my talk with Nate when he told me that he had actually considered commitment with me. "Is she really worth it?" was a question he asked himself. I can understand that. There is a lot to sacrifice, especially when there are a lot of people that you could date. Commitment destroys chances, at least temporarily if not long-term. You're no longer playing the field. Playing the field is safe and easy. I mean,yes, once in a while you will fall for someone and then find out that they don't like you the same way, but you don't have a real relationship yet. While it does matter, it really doesn't matter. It's not until you both have grown together and sacrificed together that it really matters. If something goes wrong then and isn't worked out, that's when it really hurts. That's where the real pain is. That's when ice cream and chocolate and best friends don't really help. That's when nothing seems to be able to comfort. That's when you cry yourself to sleep and wake up crying too. That's when you start crying in the supermarket because a song comes on through the speakers that reminds you of him, or you see his favorite cereal. Or that's when you become completely void of all feelings. That's when you stop caring about anything and consequently hurt other people, not intentionally, but you still do it. Eventually you kind of get over it. Maybe not completely, but the pain does subside. You can start dating other people. You might have a little fun, but in the beginning the dates just feel awkward and painful. Anyway, I need to stop that depressing note!!! I swear I haven't completely gone through that!!! haha anyway, maybe that's what scares me about commitment!!

Friends

I feel nearly overwhelmed with the need to write. It's amazing how a simple sheet of lined paper can provide the perfect canvas to portray one's soul. It has been so long since I have truly written. I have dabbled here and there, but nothing extremely real or pertinent have I jotted down. I do not know precisely of what I should write. I have been contemplating it for nearly an hour. There merely semes to be too much swirling around in my head. Narrowing the options down is difficult, but finding time to write about all that I would desire to is even more difficult. First I beleive I will touch upon the worth of a soul. It is strenuous to comprehend how much influence just one person has on the world. I find it quite intriguing how people form relationships. I suppose it would be appropriate before I begin this discussion for me to admit that I have lost a high number of friends, mainly from moving. I have also been rejected a fair number of times. I fear pain. I disdain losing friends. Rejection truly does make me sad deep down, although I do quite well at hiding it and laughing it off. One might easily become convinced that life would be much easier if people did not form relationships. After all, relationships, friendships just lead to pain in the end. When I first moved to Bountiful Court I was convinced that I did not want anymore friends. I repeatedly told myself and others that. I did not want to experience the joy of a friendship, just to have that person leave, as they inevitably would, , and by leaving, they would also leave a hole in my heart. However, upon moving into BC, I promptly made a great number of friends and became even more social that I had hitherto been. It was a strange realization. My logic had been fallacious. I knew that it was, but to have proven myself wrong so quickly perturbed me slightly. What I didn't take into account was that a hole in the heart can only be patched by other people. I needed the good folk of Bountiful Court to boister me up and make me see my need. I have been so blessed in my life to meet phenomenal people at times in which I have really needed a good influence or example. I can honestly say that my life has been corrected, I have been set on the right path, a plethura of times by the special friends and people I have had the opportunity to become acquainted with throughout my life. I want to thank everyone who has ever made me smile or laugh, because it is you who has given me the ability to smile today. I want to thank everyone who has ever made me think--made me question the world, my beliefs, my self-being. You have led me to know who I am. Finally, I would like to thank all those who have pushed me to become better in any, or all ways. Those of your who have listened to me complain and then showed me how to get through my trials with a radiant smile on my face. Thank you for being you and for allowing yourself to be a beacon of light, a whirlwind of good, carrying me off onto a path of righteousness.